18 August 2005

A Blues For Divo

Well, I have done it.
I have told all the people that I remotely have feelings for that I do.
The one that actually holds my heart and I had a long early breakfast, late dinner till four a.m.

I never knew that I could tell him how I felt, basically because I didn't know how he would react. See, I was always under the impression from him that he was a heterosexual male. I never thought that as I told him about my vision of him and me, that he would reveal himself to me, only for me to be rejected.

What makes the story good is that I can live free of stress cause I can't talk to him about it. The bad part about it is that it feeds my continuous and deep abiding faith in the fact that I can never be loved the way I want or deserved by a physical person ever again.

We love each other without delay, but, he holds me in a regard that I cannot change. We are too close in one arena to be closer in the other.

Why the hell did I consent to living a life without sex? Why did I consent to being present in my thinking and letting folks know how I felt about them?

What may be funny to some people reading this, is that they think I am talking about Simply Flawless, but I am not. I have never talked about my true real life mental and physical attraction to this other person. I will give him a name for this blogging purpose, although he doesn't read my blog, people that know him do, and I have to protect him. I will call him Innocent Love.

Innocent Love is my world, and I love him dearly. I will always love him, which is how we left it yesterday. If anyone wants to get with Innocent Love, you have to go through me, and he agrees. Since, I am the first person to love him completely; those are his words not mine.

He has never heard the words that I have said to him. Makes me feel glad that I have said them, but I am upset that he won’t allow that to open his heart more. He knows and always has, that I see things in him that others don't look for. I will be watching him like a lion watches his cubs. He is my sweetie.

If you read this IL, you know I love you, and remember that pain is temporary when you really love someone. I got your back baby, never forget it.

17 August 2005

Circle of Life II, Shadow Land

Folks we are coming down to the last stretch of time with the Lion Kingers and I. The last multi-rehearsal weeks have paid off royally. The fullfillment that I have enjoyed as being apart of something so vast is radiating from me.

Monday nights performance of Pride & Praise was definately amazing. The thing that got me is that with so many folks together to put this show on I expected so much more stress, but from start to finish the evening was great.

What made the experiance better for me was that I was able to contribute in other ways than just singing with my choir, the Lion Kingers, and Mass Choir.

The show needed african drummers to go along with a Swahili piece that we were singing. They were literally looking, so I didn't really think that they needed suggestions. Well, I recieved a call on Sunday night, while at the movies watching Skeleton Key, and I was told to call my MD to tell him of a possible lead for drummers an associate had but he wasn't really sure. I told him that I could do better than that, I went and called some of my students of the Ensemble that I work for and asked if they could do it. I was a part of something and was able to remember and reccomend someone else. That is the good thing about having a good rapport with people, the LK folks trusted my judgement and my students did as well.

The best part of the day on Monday was when a gentleman in the LK'ers came in, he was a tad late and looking like he had a shitty day. I know, you might be thinking, why was it the best part of your day? But the thing is that the entire time he was trying to readjust his day. All through out the evening I was gently whispering a praise up in his proxy. I was asking GOD to bestowe the peace on him that I profess here on my blog at all times. Well, finally, I got to whisper it to him. It was the most profound moment of the evening. He got it, and his atmosphere changed. All I told him was that "We love you, and you have God's peace."

Fast Forward to the end of the evening, the cast member I will name God's Gift because he is a great talent that I cannot out like that, and I ended the evening together partially recalling our pasts. I immediately told him that we had to have been friends in another lifetime cause our dealings would not have been so extremely natural. We talked for a total of like four hours and it was deep, he talked about a relationship that he is in, and I talked about the fear of me never having one. We each complimented the others needs through comfort. I almost felt like that time in "Waiting to Exhale" when Bernie is in the arms of Wesley Snipes. Just breathing. I was so moved by all that transpired, that me as the emotional wind mill that I am, had to write about it. So here goes:

Recollection of God's Gift

Mystery is serious
because it is there
where you may relive
something that happend long ago

Like when two souls reaquaint
and emotion from each other permeates
there is just no question
that when we relive our past
that we can look forward to our future

My Nubian King
I remember you from
a time that isn't our own
could it have been
that we played together as children in Egypt
collecting precious stones from the NIle.

Could it be that we
were two of the three
brothers that were
saved from the fire

Could it be that you
were a Prince
and I were your help mate
or could I remember wrong
and it's the other way

I hear your name
and can relive our distant yesterday
It's a clearer recollection
that I am praying for today

Maybe it's unfair
to ask who we were then
But it just helps me to know
we are destined to be friends

In your presence
there is a peace
that covers both our hands
the aura as we look at each other
only we can understand

I am glad to have found you again
Its been a hard road
without my timeless friend
I look in to your eyes and wish
such beauty to never end.

09 August 2005

Mind with a Body or a Body with a Mind—Which Are You?

I read this article By AJ Jackson last weekend. I was so touched that I had to reply, because there was so much truth and healing in the words that he wrote. I implore you to read and be blessed this has been on my mind in the last couple of days.

There are others subjects that I would like to touch on, but this one is the one on my mind right now. ENJOY!

From the moment we come to this earth kicking and screaming like we want to return from where we came from, everyone is granted with three priceless gifts. Mind, Body & Soul. After that momentous occasion in our life and time progresses, these three gifts afforded to us holds hand with growth and takes us on a journey through life. As newborns, our BODY seems to grow the most. During the infant stage, growth of the BODY is coupled with the MIND to embark upon new discoveries. Past the infantile stage our SOUL begins its growth through the teachings of values and morals from those we trust and who are closest to us.

Now let’s fast forward from your dramatic birth to this very moment. Compared to your growth from that day, how is your growth today? Body? Are you pursuing the goal of losing a few pounds before the “BIG PARTY” next month so you can fit in those tastefully tight jeans? What about Soul? Attending church services and having personal meditation time so that your soul is fed? What about MIND? Are you pursuing that degree in the field of study that you love or striving to be the best in your career? Ok, so let me pose one question to you. Of these three gifts that were afforded to you, which do you feel is the most important? Before you take the escape route and say, “well all of them are equally important,” I will say that I agree with you to a certain extent. However, there is one that affects the others whether it is beneficial or detrimental. If you guessed MIND, you guessed right.

As I mentioned before, during the infant stage the growth of the BODY is coupled with MIND. Just take a look at some infants around you. When they reach for that hot stove, you scream “DON’T TOUCH THAT! ITS HOT! At that time, the infant may not understand what you are saying or why you are saying it. However, after a few screams, a successful touch of the stove, and a nasty red blister, the BODY communicates to the MIND that touching the HOT stove is not a great idea. What about your job, where you attend school, or even what you ate for dinner last night? How did you make those choices? Your SOUL? Your BODY? Or your MIND?

There are many different ways one can look at it. A lot of the choices that are made in life are a direct result of a decision made by the Mind. Given that fact, why does it seem like the BODY is the presiding force in our lives? How is the BODY leading the MIND? Let’s look at a few examples.

“We’ll I know my doctor told me to slow down on all the greasy foods, but this deep fried chicken won’t hurt me. This food is too good to be missing out.”

Or what about, “He is not only fine he is P-H-Y-N-E fine, so I can go without using protection this one time. I gotta have that!”

For some of you, these may be drastic examples. The truth is that these types of personal declarations go on everyday. They can be found in you, your companion, your closest friends, and family members. This is the life of having a Body with a mind.

A BODY with a MIND is simple. Without sufficient thought, the BODY seeks to satisfy certain needs, ,desires and dictate how they will be met. Now let’s look at the real world. Do you know someone who is going to work day after day, yet they hate their job? This is the BODY leading the MIND. How about someone who is living in the hell of a verbally and physically abusive relationship, yet they will not leave because the sex is good or they feel no one will want them? This is the BODY leading the MIND. And how about that person who knows they are HIV positive, yet chooses not to tell their intimate partners? This is the BODY leading the MIND. Living a life like this can be a danger to not only the fellow gifts (Mind & Soul) it can also affect the gifts of those who surround them. This state of living announces to the world that this person is a BODY not using, but simply housing the MIND.

Let’s now look at the person who is a MIND with a BODY. What is a MIND with a BODY? A MIND with a BODY is someone who realizes the power and the strength of their MIND. Not only do they realize this, but they allow the MIND to be the ever present driving force in their life. A few examples;

“I do not like my current state of health so I have DECIDED to follow my doctor’s instructions and lay off the grease. Life is way more important than eating at the greasy spoon.”

Or “Don’t get me wrong, you fine and I mean P-H-Y-N-E fine, but one night without protection, can make the rest of my nights sorrowful. I love myself way more than that!”

Just as there are those who decide to allow the BODY to lead the MIND, there are an increasing number of those who are allowing the MIND to lead the BODY.

You have probably heard sayings like, “So a man thinketh, so is he,” or “A mind is a terrible thing to waste.” I will admit, for some time I thought these were clichés to either get me to do better or I knew that someone was getting ready to hit me up for some money for a college fundraiser. But being a BODY with a MIND, I have learned in some undesirable ways, that life can be burdensome, depressing, and just downright disgusting at times. But one day I decided I wanted to be a MIND with a BODY. This decision was evoked after experiencing a relationship that was not only verbally and physically abusive, it ate away at the threads of my emotions and spirit. Because I knew this was a relationship that I simply got use to, I fell into the BODY leading the MIND state. Coming home to someone, having dinner ready and on the table after I got off work, attempting to satisfy the need of being with someone else, I, the BODY with a MIND stayed. But when I knew I could be and have better, my MIND began the transition of taking the lead. The first step? Deciding and believing I could be and have better. When I allowed the MIND to lead the BODY, I withdrew myself from that situation and my life changed. I remember thinking to myself, “You mean to tell me, if I decide in my MIND, that I want to be, do, or become anything I want, it will happen?” That question is now my statement of affirmation. Instead of asking “if”, I now say “when.” Instead of saying “want”, I now say “will.” And today brothers and sisters, I can write these words and say I am a MIND with a BODY. My MIND determines where I am going and what I am going to do. And in that, my body automatically follows. What’s the best thing about it? When it is something you want to do, a dream you want to accomplish, though it may seem really hard and unconceivable, if your MIND can see it, you better believe you can achieve it.

Just do me one favor. When you finish reading this I ask that you take at least this one thing with you. Realization. Realize that you can do it. If you make up in your MIND you want to, it will happen. No matter what it is. If you want to lose 50 pounds, want that loving relationship, want to earn the income you know you deserve, or you want to beat that sickness that some think may take you out, make up in your MIND that you want it. And when you do, the BODY will have no other choice but to follow.

MIND with a BODY or BODY with a MIND—Which are you? Better yet, which do you want to be?

AJ Jackson

03 August 2005

Taking A Stand

Recently, I just returned from my National Conclave. My fraternity, a predominately white society, kinda bent backwards to summon the HBCU chapters to the national event.

I being a member of an HBCU attended the event witout hesitation, as did my fraternal son and my line brother.

We got to Evansville, IN, and there were three other HBCU chapters represented out of 13. I immediately got mad, because the fraternity promised $50.00 to each chapter that showed up. I know the amount may seem insignificant, however it is for my organization.

Well, I guess all of you that have read my blog seem to know that I am very upfront and blunt with what I have to say. So, I wrote an essay directed towards the HBCU chapters in my fraternity. It wasn't malicious it was very simple stated but blunt.

I recalled them to their original inception in 1952 and reminded them that although we hold our HBCU convention every year, our fraternity is national and we need not try to convene ourselves without remembering to attend our National, Province, Regional, or Conclave events.

I was talking to a fellow blogger today and he encouraged that I write this story on my blog. Mainly because this is another reason that I have not been vocal on here. I made a fraternal vow and I feel that others aren't living up to theirs.

I guess what I am learning is, although I may not be an appointed leader in my fraternity, I still have a voice as an active dues paying member.

To all my brothers and sisters that have been enlightened by one organization or another, please always be true to the information that you have been taught, it will help you in the long run.
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