23 November 2005

In response to "The Explanation of It's so Hard to say Goodbye"

I am glad for the people that are not immediately in my life that find it plausable enough, to take time out of their schedules and give me a word of encouragement.

I wanted to add this word. Some people sent messages to me and I felt compelled to put my reply to them in my blog.

Thank you to those who listened to me as I opened my soul. Thank you also to those who spewed truth to me, forsaking not their personal integrity.

I am truly humbled by the commentary that I recieved.

To those who Respond
Please do understand that I am a very positive and peaceful person. I have taken an account of the life that I have lived, and just don't think that it is possible. I mean, I think about the thing that I want, and what I have been given, and something has always got to give. I know that there is someone out there for me, I can pretty much tell that. The way I was feeling yesterday was what I wanted to document. I really tell myself all of the time that I have a lot to be thankful for and a whole lot to give another person.

I personally am tired of carrying the load that I do, and the only way that I get to express it, is in the relationship I have with some close friends. I used footstool as a factual reference. It's really not all a bad thing for me, I had relationships that prepared me for what it is that I am looking for now. Granted, those relationships were the epitome of what I wanted at the time, but they also helped focus me to what I didn't want, and how I wanted to be respected.

I have set some brothers on a good path. Some of them have had some feelings and have left because of the HIV status and stuff. I understand their plight. Some, aren't happy that I have chose to not be sexual at this time, because I think that it is too freaking emotional to be giving that shit to just about any one.

I guess, what I am saying is that after reading all that you took the time to write back to me. I have the chance to see that there are people that view me the way that I view me. The person that I am letting go, sees me as such, he isn't mentally prepared to understand how to deal. I on the other hand, am not really to let him go.

21 November 2005

Explanation of "It's So hard to say goodbye"

I have come to realize that I am not meant to have a man of my own. So, I did the next best thing, I decided to chill with brothers who I love being around and being apart of their lives in a major way. We, sharing so much of each other would be able to build a relationship that would compensate for the relationship that I do not think I will ever have or deserve.

We serve as each others support net. We are each others strength, financial support, kiss on the cheek, hug in the morning. I mean we are each others everything.

It changes when what you have built, turns into the one thing that you fear. An actual relationship based on truth, honesty, and trust.

In these relationships, the door has always been open for someone to scoop anyone of us from what we call our sacred comfort zone.

Well, the time has come. I have to learn that the possibility of me being in a happy relationship will not come. That I will only have the thought of being with others until they find what they cannot get from me, somewhere else.

I will never understand what about me scares brothers so much. I think it may be that I am a conqueror and that I make no excuses for the faults of my past. I simply chalk them up to my being young and frivolous.

I am once again allowing someone, of whom I care very deeply, to explore their own sexuality away from our inner arrangement. He, needs someone else to validate what I have been saying all along. Oh, and I am not the correct ethnicity, so I never really had a chance. I asked him if he ever thought I could make him happy. He said that he had never really wanted to answer that question, because he would be afraid of the answer that he would give.

This pinch in my day is temporary. It is hard to give away someone that you have invested a lot of time and energy. I will still be here for moral support. I mean where can I go? I am merely a stepping stone to something real.

Real-lationships are not for me. I am a footstool for the real lovers.

I am fully capable of knowing that this post seems to put me in a place of denial of depression. But, I am not depressed. I just know my limitations in life. I know that I have a lot to offer someone that has walked the same road as I and is ready to explore with me a horizon that I have yet to trod.

I give my baby away freely. But I know that who he is going to is not as good as me. I will have my eye out like a hawk.

Don't pity me, I am ok...


20 November 2005

It's So Hard To Say Goodbye!!!

Is it hard to say goodbye to what we have
the good times that made us laugh
are just those, good times.

I never expected a forever with you
I expected that you would tell me what you really feel.
You have been most gracious with me
you have been honest every step of the way.

I put myself in a position
that I would have to let you go
and let you be in another's arms.

I know fully that they
are not capable of loving you
the way that I have, can and always will.

You are a part of my life today and forever
I cannot think of my days without you.

So I will not say goodbye,
I will say good luck,
There will always be a home for you here.

My Friend, my love, my baby....
It's hard to say goodbye
so I will say Good Luck.
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