My Song Is For You!!!

I should have known that Donny Hathaway was previous to your generation, and to use a song by him to try to tell you how I felt may have been a little wrong. I truly believe what the words:

"I've been so many places in my life and time/I've sung alot of songs/ made some bad rhyme/ I've acted out my life on stages with ten thousand people watching./ Now we are alone and I'm singing this song for you."
"I love you in a place where theres no space or time/ I love you for my life your a Friend of mine./ When my life is over, just remember when we were together/ we were alone and I was singing this song to you.

No words could better describe how I feel about you. Even in verses of the song that I never understood, listening to it has made me realize that when I count who really matters the most in life and love that you are the one that stands out.

I have given you nothing but my extreme best, and all I asked was that you listen and respond accordingly. But while I am away I am an afterthought to you. Yes, that hurts. I was hoping for a wonderful day of excitement seeing you, it turned into a night of lecture to you. I wanted to show you love, you showed me that you hadn't thought of me at all.

I guess Indie Aire said it best when she penned: "These eyes/ never saw you leaving/ this heart is in need of some healing/ our love is the greatest story ever told/ and that's the way the story goes./ Truth is/ every relationship is a lesson/ I saw it coming but it hurts anyway./ Am I the reason your so angry?/ Are you the reason I'm so passive?/ Truth is/ even though it hurts so bad I have to walk a way from you.

I have shared what I see to be my last kiss with you. You have not matured to a place where you can recieve love. My favorite poem talks about love unreturned. You say you are not where I am, but, you are you just make excuses for wanting to be scared of something as natural as breathing.

So until you learn how to BREATHE. I am walking away!!!

But Know that I Do Love You.

OMG.... I CAN'T Believe this Lil Guy Can Sing...

Someone better love him... he's on YouTube and his name is Vonatron...

Lookout world... he is going to be someone to be reckoned with...

I AM NOT MY HAIR.....

Why I Am Not My Hair
Inspiration: “I am not my hair” India Aire

One day this week, I thought very hard about my reason for purchasing India Aires, latest CD. There was something about one of the songs that she has on there that really appealed to me because I could relate.

Being a man in my late twenties, when I celebrated this last birthday the nostalgia that I had this year was different from that of many other years. It was this year that I decided to focus on how I have worn my hair in the last fifteen or so years and how it had a dramatic impact on whom I was.

While in high school, the big thing for men in the gospel choir who wanted to be apart of the popular crowd found new and exciting things to do with there hair. Of course as an incoming sophomore I did not understand the concept of adding hair (weaving) to ones head to achieve a desired style, being an acceptable thing for men to do. However, I did go to an art school and for anyone that knows an artist we can be quite eccentric. So, I never actually added hair to my, already REVLON lye processed hair, I decided to style my hair in different ways.

Through the different styles I became very talented in doing my own hair and others for that matter. You could always find me, during the week with a regular high-top fade, the style of the early nineties. During the weekends you would see a wet, wave nuveau style, set with push waves, finger waves or and pin curls. All of which at a time I learned to do myself.

There was a point when that realm of my high school experiance branded me too much with being apart of the flamboyantly gay crowd in the school, which I sought to render myself away from. So, senior year nineteen ninety-five, I cut my relaxed hair down to a curly fade. Just recently as I looked at those pictures, I noticed that my whole style during that change was very poignant. I wore preppy clothing, and hung with all of the popular brothers in the school. I looked real good at that time and discovered I didn’t need a perm to identify my flair any longer.

Attending school in Baltimore for undergrad became a funny experience. As I searched to find my niche among the freshman class of that time, I also saw that I blended in as a student with all of the other students on the yard. So for a brief moment, I went back to a cropped fade and then I returned back to the curly fade. About my sophomore or junior year, I learned a trend in Baltimore that I had not adhered to in New York, brothers get shape ups at least once a week. It was at that time that I solidified a specific barber in town that would crop my mane every week for a price of about seven to ten bucks.

In about early 1999, it became an extreme fad to walk around with the longest locs and profess that you were so conscious and spiritually aware of your heritage. I didn’t do it for that reason, but I had been fascinated with the wearing of locs which in my family had only been worn by my elder aunts. I knew that I had to go through many transition to achieve this style, so I started getting my hair done in gel twists, something that I begged my mother to do when I seen them in Ebony Male magazine when I was in High School. Lo, and behold, I was walking around town sporting the newest style of gel twists, corn row twists and baby locs. As my hair got longer I even went so far as to have regular corn rows, that I had to accompany with the avid shape up otherwise there was no reason to think of wearing my hair that way. All this time I am becoming confident in myself because of the maintenance that I am keeping up with my hair. I will never forget the day, January 4, 2002 when I sat down in my stylists chair, at what was then Twist and Shout, an establishment known for coiffing the manes of the best pastors, and church officials in Baltimore, as well as many noted artists around the country, and you could always hear good music and an occasional dance would break out. That was the day I started my locking experience.

I first started my locking journey through method of the twist. It was a common way to start locs at that time and that what was done to me, I sat in the chair and was told “it’s about time we go on the permanent journey.” In the first year of locked hair, I had become very stylish, as to always be presentable with the transition I was in and knowing that my superior choir master would have had a cow if I didn’t keep my hair up. It became a ritual, to go to the salon and get it touched up and styled over the weeks.

In 2003, while going through an amazing undertaking of the body, my locs started to take an ill form, and I didn’t like the things I had done to them, including but not limited to style, color, and length. So, I decided on November 4, 2003 to cut my hair, darn it seemed like I had my hair for two full years when in actuality it had only been a thought but not a reality.

I cannot deeply associate the cutting of my hair to any African American ritualistic value, but I do know that if I had not cut my hair in November of 03’ that I would not have reacquired the strength that I had prior to my illness.

I often tell the story that when I cut my hair in 2003, all the virtues of my life struggles were set free, and I was free to live a new chapter, which means that I had to engage in further rehabilitation in areas of my life such as talent, confidence and the ability to be around people. One of the main reasons that I cut my hair in 2003 is that I wasn’t able to maintain the style because it was getting to expensive to care for and it wasn’t looking good with me doing it cause I didn’t have a good eye for it at that time.

The journey from November 2003 till now is absolutely miraculous. I finally became reacquainted with all of the things that made me what I was, and noticed that all my hair did for me was allow my confidence to spread. I embraced my curls, shortly after letting the locs go. I revisited the gel twist, and wore some mean micro mini cornrows that were the envy of most of my friends. I even embarked upon another new form that I didn’t wear previously, which was added afro human hair for kinky twists, which gave an illusion that I had a healthy head of thick and full hair. When it finally grew long enough and I had a job to maintain it, I started my hair in double strand twists. While maintaining other people’s hair, when I had locs, I understood that the double strand twist was a good way to start the lock for an all around even hair distribution. Am I glad that I paid attention to detail, after getting double strands for about 2 months, I decided that I was ready to embark on my new journey with my mane, and since that day, my locs are an expression of the journey I went through rediscovering myself and my self expression.

With the song “I am not my hair” I recall a particular passage where India Aire can pin point the exact amount of locs that she shed when she cut here hair in 2002. “97 dred locks were gone”, she acknowledges that she knows how many connections she let go of in that moment. I was not as meticulous and cannot tell you that I know how many locs were cut. But, I can say that without the shedding of those locs in 2003, I would be carrying on to baggage of my demise in 2003. The cutting was a holistic and spiritual awakening for me. I now appreciate the care and ritualistic maintenance that I go through to keep this feeling alive.

When I took the job with Three Mo, they asked me if I would do something with my hair if needed, I simply replied, my confidence is in my look, and my locs are apart of it. I am not Samson, but I can relate. I also recently listened to a sermon that detailed, the strength wasn’t in the Locs of Samson’s hair, but in the faith that God had blessed him through his locs.

I do not know, when I will have another loc shed, I am not anticipating it. But, I do know that it is something that I will have to do to solidify that my strength is in GOD and that “I Am Not My Hair.”

AM I REALLY DESPERATE???

Am I really Desperate?

I meet people all the time, very suitable people that I could date or just know as friends. In this time and age I don’t really need more friends than I need someone that will personally love me the way that I think I deserve. When I think of friendship, I believe in feeling with people without excuse. I have learned recently that I cannot afford that type of feeling with all people. Duh! I mean all folks aren’t going to be as receptive to someone being fully capable to express themselves. I mean sometimes, I may feel like kissing a person because of their beauty, or just hold someone because I feel safe around them. What is funny is that usually I have brothers or sisters that are very comfortable with me being myself, even if the relationship is new. What is also usually the case is that these folks have no interest in becoming a lover to me. It’s just that they know that there are feelings that need to be released, not necessarily a sexual encounter.

Recently, I did some acts in a club that brought me to believe that I could actually have fun. I was dancing with a beautiful specimen of brotha’ that was fully capable of keeping up with my risqué style of dance. It seemed to be quite intimate. I got a little close, but I thought that he was going along with me. At no time that evening did I think that he was unhappy with the events that were taking place. So, I need to remind you that this was a new relationship, or a first time encounter with this dude. We had some issues that evening that halted the progress of the evening. At no time did I believe that he would take me home and show me the business. I just knew that I had a great time.

Next day there was no hearing from said gentleman. I text him and he sent me a message that basically said that he was very upset with my treatment of him, and that he didn’t want to have a 4 week fling. He thought that I wanted to have a fling relationship while I was visiting a foreign country. What is sad, is that world wide, folks won’t go forth with something because of their apprehensions. I have been taught to let go of some of my apprehensions because I have a tendency to hold back. Here I show my real feelings and I am being ostracized for showing my real feelings.

Am I really desperate? Am I really so stuck on being loved that I resort to all kinds of ridicule in my exhibition of fun, and free spiritedness?

There is so much that I have to offer to someone, how can I know who that someone is without exhibiting some of me? I can’t believe that I am ridiculed from time to time. It makes me upset that I seem to be so desperate, but all I am really trying to do is experience life.

I Learned something about me today

3 things that motivate my actions:
Personal Attention
Faith
Goals

Material items I value more than others:
Clothes/shoes
Hair
Appearance

With three months to live and good health I would, continue my career goals, writing and singing. Probably would produce a show or 2.

I like being he center of attention while doing something I know will make me shine. Things like talking in a large group may make me a little embarrassed of saying the wrong thing.

When I die I would like to have it said that I was a man that loved all without condition, I found good in all people, my talent was not the pinnacle of my existence!

My fear is that I will die without exhibiting love and admiration for one person. That many would have said I've loved them and they me. But it would be too many people and not one central person. I don't want promiscuous drama!

I get joy from making people happy, helping others to their success.

I am angered by people that walk with an unrealistic facade. Their life isn't even a fraction of their walk, it brings people around them down.

My personal strengths are my ability to be introspective, to look for the best in others, my confidence in my talent.

I define love as the public and private act of respect and commitment to friends and family.

I expect love given to me to be in the form of deeds, surprises. Things that are done with my extreme reaction in mind, even if my reaction is bad, the thought and intent was that I emote a certain reaction!

My view of sex is that it's a communion of the spirit and soul that join between two consenting individuals. Once a consummation of sex happens in a relationship, that means that there is a spiritual transference between body and mind those two are enjoined spiritually if not mentally.

Frustration, Stress, Jealousy... I would have to say that I deal with these things as emotions that happen in the line of work and the life style I live in.
I pray and reflect and meditate on my reasons for these feelings... Using my introspection.

I am relationship material because I can appreciate the gifts of another person and am willing to share my gifts and create gifts between me and he.

When someone hurts or disrespect me I totally shut down. I recluse from society as I know it and I only confide in my support systems!

Can I truly forgive someone that has wronged me. I say that I can, I have the ability to pray and get it over with. I can move on, yet that doesn't mean that
I am ready to go right back to the way it was prior to being wronged.

Do I settle things with my hands or with conversation? I would rather settle things by talking.

I bring to a relationship experience of love. Meaning I know how to do it and I can pin point my wrongs. I bring the enjoyment of sharing, and also know when to be alone and leave alone.

I expect a mate to bring to me a calm and serene environment. I as a performer would like to keep my work and the drama of it on the stage! I need a brother that understands personal space, one that can cater and expect to be catered to.

Granted that I am a performer, I would like my lifestyle and sexuality to be on a need to know basis. I am already artistic enough so, I am comfortable with it being known, I just don't want to be judged by it.

I am a family oriented person. In some aspects I create family units to be loyal to sometimes my own family seems to lose sight of family values.

How selfish am I, lets just say I am determined to have my way when it applies to other people. But, I usually don't demand a lot of myself. I am usually catering others!

When it comes to money and material possessions I know that I have it, and I make it. I value how its spent an the things that I buy or investments that I make have got to last for me.

Daily I live to give the best of me and only receive the best from others...

I ALMOST DIED TODAY....

I felt my chest poingnent with pain
as I rushed up the stairs to map out my fame
I couldn't feel my heart beat
I screamed my brothers name

Just a moment late I didn't feel that bad
so I walked to the campus doctor
just to see what I might have

When I got there it was as if all the wind
had been knocked from my chest

Then I digressed as the words that
came from the Dr.'s Mouth rang heavy in my chest.

You must go to the hospital now,
or you wont have long to live.

I check in at the hospital desk
I still have sporatic pain in my chest
I fill out papers, and cry out my eyes.
My Line brother seen all my pain inside.

I waited, I waited 7 Hours
did I say I cried.

Finally the Dr. came with a report

Pnuemonia it is....

Darkness fell across my face
as I started to envision my fate
I headed for a hospital bed
It had already been late

Bright and early I asked the Dr.
"How long do I have to Stay"
He said I don't know,
we are preparing you for xray.

I thought to myself what could the problem be
when later on that day what he said made my ears bleed.

The condition you suffer
is no usual attact
Your viral load is rocketing
and your t-cells are at lack
see the pnemonia is in both lungs
your health is bad off track

I am sulken in a daze
I can't think straight
I am always awake

Friends come
Friends go
People whisper
family bickers

July 28, 2003

I almost died today!!!

This Is The Moment

This is the Moment, This is the day
When I send all my doubts and demons on their way
Every endeavor, I have made ever,
is coming into play, are here and now today.

This is the moment, When all I've done
All of the dreaming, scheming and screaming become one
This is the day, see it sparkle and shine
When all I've lived for becomes mine. From Jekyl and Hyde

Where does one start, I started this diary last year to chronicle the happenings of my countdown to my baccalaureate degree. It seems as if I stopped adding to the clippings of the year, but not hardly. I just found a way to be excited and chronicle by writing at home as well, hoping that some of it would find it's way here.

May 21, 2006, a dream in my eyes that was not too far from attainment when I began here last year. Over that time, I have become employed, I have loved, and lost. But, hell I regained my ability to know love, for real. Why? Because I stepped out of this box I called Baltimore, that has sheltered me for 10 years as I was incubating this thing I would now appreciate enough to call my life.

All of the events leading up to the day were a success, my only regret is that I didn't write as much here as I wanted. That is primarily due to the fact that I was having so much fun, and having so much fun having fun, I just couldn't stop to type about it. Here I am today, I hope I am remotely forgiven.

In my last post, there is the invitation to my senior recital. Can I say that it in itself was an evening filled with promise and ambition. Not because I was a senior graduating, but, because I was a student who had sought his dreams and came back to share with his family the joy of being successful. I truly enjoyed the attention of some 200 people that were gathered on one night to see me in my exit examination of a program that I had waddled in for some years.

My family was very excited to applaud me. Yet, they were being applauded for being the seed that spark my creativity to flame, and got me to where I am today.

It was great to see the many faces that were in the audience, that were there just to say, "I support you", "Thank God you've made it", and "Way to go Boy."

In a 2 part recital, I was able to speak the words of composers like Handel through Brahms, and Schubert through Schumann, and Still through Morris. I then returned to applaud my own accomplishments by singing songs from A Chorus Line, Porgy and Bess, and Jekyl and Hyde.

I woke up on May 21, 2006 feeling awkwardly accomplished, more than I did while I was on any of the tour stops during the school year with my show. I knew that after that day that I would no longer be looked at as a person striving for a degree. Rather, I would be looked at as a person that fought hard through obstacles and adversity, to obtain a degree.

It was wonderful, to have been given elation as I came on the main quad that morning. There where I met with friends and perfect strangers, to undertake a walk that although I had prepared for years, no one could have prepared me for the plethora of emotion that would ride my shoulders that day. In perfect unison, as I cadenced with the graduating class, was I able to hear my own inner cries of joy and relief. Not until that moment had it hit me, that I was making all of my dreams and aspirations reality. It was in that moment that I felt close to the God that had pre-ordered my horizons for that moment. In every step I took, I said thank you.

As I stepped to hear my name and receive my degree, not one word could I hear. But, I immediately hurried across the stage in a profound amount of tears, as my academic dean looked at me with welcome to a new part of my life. I hustled down the platform there to be greeted by my fellow men choirsters who some, had watched me in my transition and were glad to be apart of my cross over. I led out a shout of exhilaration, it was the all that I could do to mark my prolonged coming of age.

As I positioned myself at the microphone, the last time I would sing as a student in front of this vast body of talent, my eyes became heavy with tears. My voice rang through the stadium, and the wrestle of ten long years was heard from my small voice. It rang from wall to wall and person to person, that although we go through many trials and tribulations that the GOD that we serve is faithful to those who dilengently seek him. It was a time to testify, in all sense of the word. Completion, under the matchless ordinance of my father God.

There in witness were the great congregation of my family, who had beat out other families by being in the front row of the onlooking aggregation to ensure that they would see me as I transitioned. They took photos and yelled my name. They cried, and signed because of their disabilities. It was amazing.

I can say that this accomplishment is different, from that of most students, cause when I received my diploma, I had an answer for "So, what's next." That, is by far the best feeling that a person can have. Knowing that there is a future forward plan for them, after they have completed an aggrogous process.

This is the Moment, Damn all the odds
this day or never, I'll sit forever with the gods
When I look back, I will always recall
Moment for moment, this was the moment,
the greatest moment of them all.