A Day in the Life of A Divo

My Song Is For You!!!

2007-09-10T10:52:00.000-04:00

I should have known that Donny Hathaway was previous to your generation, and to use a song by him to try to tell you how I felt may have been a little wrong. I truly believe what the words:

"I've been so many places in my life and time/I've sung alot of songs/ made some bad rhyme/ I've acted out my life on stages with ten thousand people watching./ Now we are alone and I'm singing this song for you."
"I love you in a place where theres no space or time/ I love you for my life your a Friend of mine./ When my life is over, just remember when we were together/ we were alone and I was singing this song to you.

No words could better describe how I feel about you. Even in verses of the song that I never understood, listening to it has made me realize that when I count who really matters the most in life and love that you are the one that stands out.

I have given you nothing but my extreme best, and all I asked was that you listen and respond accordingly. But while I am away I am an afterthought to you. Yes, that hurts. I was hoping for a wonderful day of excitement seeing you, it turned into a night of lecture to you. I wanted to show you love, you showed me that you hadn't thought of me at all.

I guess Indie Aire said it best when she penned: "These eyes/ never saw you leaving/ this heart is in need of some healing/ our love is the greatest story ever told/ and that's the way the story goes./ Truth is/ every relationship is a lesson/ I saw it coming but it hurts anyway./ Am I the reason your so angry?/ Are you the reason I'm so passive?/ Truth is/ even though it hurts so bad I have to walk a way from you.

I have shared what I see to be my last kiss with you. You have not matured to a place where you can recieve love. My favorite poem talks about love unreturned. You say you are not where I am, but, you are you just make excuses for wanting to be scared of something as natural as breathing.

So until you learn how to BREATHE. I am walking away!!!

But Know that I Do Love You.

2006-12-31T19:12:00.000-05:00

OMG.... I CAN'T Believe this Lil Guy Can Sing...

Someone better love him... he's on YouTube and his name is Vonatron...

Lookout world... he is going to be someone to be reckoned with...

I AM NOT MY HAIR.....

2006-10-28T10:28:00.000-04:00

Why I Am Not My Hair
Inspiration: “I am not my hair” India Aire

One day this week, I thought very hard about my reason for purchasing India Aires, latest CD. There was something about one of the songs that she has on there that really appealed to me because I could relate.

Being a man in my late twenties, when I celebrated this last birthday the nostalgia that I had this year was different from that of many other years. It was this year that I decided to focus on how I have worn my hair in the last fifteen or so years and how it had a dramatic impact on whom I was.

While in high school, the big thing for men in the gospel choir who wanted to be apart of the popular crowd found new and exciting things to do with there hair. Of course as an incoming sophomore I did not understand the concept of adding hair (weaving) to ones head to achieve a desired style, being an acceptable thing for men to do. However, I did go to an art school and for anyone that knows an artist we can be quite eccentric. So, I never actually added hair to my, already REVLON lye processed hair, I decided to style my hair in different ways.

Through the different styles I became very talented in doing my own hair and others for that matter. You could always find me, during the week with a regular high-top fade, the style of the early nineties. During the weekends you would see a wet, wave nuveau style, set with push waves, finger waves or and pin curls. All of which at a time I learned to do myself.

There was a point when that realm of my high school experiance branded me too much with being apart of the flamboyantly gay crowd in the school, which I sought to render myself away from. So, senior year nineteen ninety-five, I cut my relaxed hair down to a curly fade. Just recently as I looked at those pictures, I noticed that my whole style during that change was very poignant. I wore preppy clothing, and hung with all of the popular brothers in the school. I looked real good at that time and discovered I didn’t need a perm to identify my flair any longer.

Attending school in Baltimore for undergrad became a funny experience. As I searched to find my niche among the freshman class of that time, I also saw that I blended in as a student with all of the other students on the yard. So for a brief moment, I went back to a cropped fade and then I returned back to the curly fade. About my sophomore or junior year, I learned a trend in Baltimore that I had not adhered to in New York, brothers get shape ups at least once a week. It was at that time that I solidified a specific barber in town that would crop my mane every week for a price of about seven to ten bucks.

In about early 1999, it became an extreme fad to walk around with the longest locs and profess that you were so conscious and spiritually aware of your heritage. I didn’t do it for that reason, but I had been fascinated with the wearing of locs which in my family had only been worn by my elder aunts. I knew that I had to go through many transition to achieve this style, so I started getting my hair done in gel twists, something that I begged my mother to do when I seen them in Ebony Male magazine when I was in High School. Lo, and behold, I was walking around town sporting the newest style of gel twists, corn row twists and baby locs. As my hair got longer I even went so far as to have regular corn rows, that I had to accompany with the avid shape up otherwise there was no reason to think of wearing my hair that way. All this time I am becoming confident in myself because of the maintenance that I am keeping up with my hair. I will never forget the day, January 4, 2002 when I sat down in my stylists chair, at what was then Twist and Shout, an establishment known for coiffing the manes of the best pastors, and church officials in Baltimore, as well as many noted artists around the country, and you could always hear good music and an occasional dance would break out. That was the day I started my locking experience.

I first started my locking journey through method of the twist. It was a common way to start locs at that time and that what was done to me, I sat in the chair and was told “it’s about time we go on the permanent journey.” In the first year of locked hair, I had become very stylish, as to always be presentable with the transition I was in and knowing that my superior choir master would have had a cow if I didn’t keep my hair up. It became a ritual, to go to the salon and get it touched up and styled over the weeks.

In 2003, while going through an amazing undertaking of the body, my locs started to take an ill form, and I didn’t like the things I had done to them, including but not limited to style, color, and length. So, I decided on November 4, 2003 to cut my hair, darn it seemed like I had my hair for two full years when in actuality it had only been a thought but not a reality.

I cannot deeply associate the cutting of my hair to any African American ritualistic value, but I do know that if I had not cut my hair in November of 03’ that I would not have reacquired the strength that I had prior to my illness.

I often tell the story that when I cut my hair in 2003, all the virtues of my life struggles were set free, and I was free to live a new chapter, which means that I had to engage in further rehabilitation in areas of my life such as talent, confidence and the ability to be around people. One of the main reasons that I cut my hair in 2003 is that I wasn’t able to maintain the style because it was getting to expensive to care for and it wasn’t looking good with me doing it cause I didn’t have a good eye for it at that time.

The journey from November 2003 till now is absolutely miraculous. I finally became reacquainted with all of the things that made me what I was, and noticed that all my hair did for me was allow my confidence to spread. I embraced my curls, shortly after letting the locs go. I revisited the gel twist, and wore some mean micro mini cornrows that were the envy of most of my friends. I even embarked upon another new form that I didn’t wear previously, which was added afro human hair for kinky twists, which gave an illusion that I had a healthy head of thick and full hair. When it finally grew long enough and I had a job to maintain it, I started my hair in double strand twists. While maintaining other people’s hair, when I had locs, I understood that the double strand twist was a good way to start the lock for an all around even hair distribution. Am I glad that I paid attention to detail, after getting double strands for about 2 months, I decided that I was ready to embark on my new journey with my mane, and since that day, my locs are an expression of the journey I went through rediscovering myself and my self expression.

With the song “I am not my hair” I recall a particular passage where India Aire can pin point the exact amount of locs that she shed when she cut here hair in 2002. “97 dred locks were gone”, she acknowledges that she knows how many connections she let go of in that moment. I was not as meticulous and cannot tell you that I know how many locs were cut. But, I can say that without the shedding of those locs in 2003, I would be carrying on to baggage of my demise in 2003. The cutting was a holistic and spiritual awakening for me. I now appreciate the care and ritualistic maintenance that I go through to keep this feeling alive.

When I took the job with Three Mo, they asked me if I would do something with my hair if needed, I simply replied, my confidence is in my look, and my locs are apart of it. I am not Samson, but I can relate. I also recently listened to a sermon that detailed, the strength wasn’t in the Locs of Samson’s hair, but in the faith that God had blessed him through his locs.

I do not know, when I will have another loc shed, I am not anticipating it. But, I do know that it is something that I will have to do to solidify that my strength is in GOD and that “I Am Not My Hair.”

AM I REALLY DESPERATE???

2006-08-08T08:15:00.000-04:00

Am I really Desperate?

I meet people all the time, very suitable people that I could date or just know as friends. In this time and age I don’t really need more friends than I need someone that will personally love me the way that I think I deserve. When I think of friendship, I believe in feeling with people without excuse. I have learned recently that I cannot afford that type of feeling with all people. Duh! I mean all folks aren’t going to be as receptive to someone being fully capable to express themselves. I mean sometimes, I may feel like kissing a person because of their beauty, or just hold someone because I feel safe around them. What is funny is that usually I have brothers or sisters that are very comfortable with me being myself, even if the relationship is new. What is also usually the case is that these folks have no interest in becoming a lover to me. It’s just that they know that there are feelings that need to be released, not necessarily a sexual encounter.

Recently, I did some acts in a club that brought me to believe that I could actually have fun. I was dancing with a beautiful specimen of brotha’ that was fully capable of keeping up with my risqué style of dance. It seemed to be quite intimate. I got a little close, but I thought that he was going along with me. At no time that evening did I think that he was unhappy with the events that were taking place. So, I need to remind you that this was a new relationship, or a first time encounter with this dude. We had some issues that evening that halted the progress of the evening. At no time did I believe that he would take me home and show me the business. I just knew that I had a great time.

Next day there was no hearing from said gentleman. I text him and he sent me a message that basically said that he was very upset with my treatment of him, and that he didn’t want to have a 4 week fling. He thought that I wanted to have a fling relationship while I was visiting a foreign country. What is sad, is that world wide, folks won’t go forth with something because of their apprehensions. I have been taught to let go of some of my apprehensions because I have a tendency to hold back. Here I show my real feelings and I am being ostracized for showing my real feelings.

Am I really desperate? Am I really so stuck on being loved that I resort to all kinds of ridicule in my exhibition of fun, and free spiritedness?

There is so much that I have to offer to someone, how can I know who that someone is without exhibiting some of me? I can’t believe that I am ridiculed from time to time. It makes me upset that I seem to be so desperate, but all I am really trying to do is experience life.

I Learned something about me today

2006-07-30T18:22:00.000-04:00

3 things that motivate my actions:
Personal Attention
Faith
Goals

Material items I value more than others:
Clothes/shoes
Hair
Appearance

With three months to live and good health I would, continue my career goals, writing and singing. Probably would produce a show or 2.

I like being he center of attention while doing something I know will make me shine. Things like talking in a large group may make me a little embarrassed of saying the wrong thing.

When I die I would like to have it said that I was a man that loved all without condition, I found good in all people, my talent was not the pinnacle of my existence!

My fear is that I will die without exhibiting love and admiration for one person. That many would have said I've loved them and they me. But it would be too many people and not one central person. I don't want promiscuous drama!

I get joy from making people happy, helping others to their success.

I am angered by people that walk with an unrealistic facade. Their life isn't even a fraction of their walk, it brings people around them down.

My personal strengths are my ability to be introspective, to look for the best in others, my confidence in my talent.

I define love as the public and private act of respect and commitment to friends and family.

I expect love given to me to be in the form of deeds, surprises. Things that are done with my extreme reaction in mind, even if my reaction is bad, the thought and intent was that I emote a certain reaction!

My view of sex is that it's a communion of the spirit and soul that join between two consenting individuals. Once a consummation of sex happens in a relationship, that means that there is a spiritual transference between body and mind those two are enjoined spiritually if not mentally.

Frustration, Stress, Jealousy... I would have to say that I deal with these things as emotions that happen in the line of work and the life style I live in.
I pray and reflect and meditate on my reasons for these feelings... Using my introspection.

I am relationship material because I can appreciate the gifts of another person and am willing to share my gifts and create gifts between me and he.

When someone hurts or disrespect me I totally shut down. I recluse from society as I know it and I only confide in my support systems!

Can I truly forgive someone that has wronged me. I say that I can, I have the ability to pray and get it over with. I can move on, yet that doesn't mean that
I am ready to go right back to the way it was prior to being wronged.

Do I settle things with my hands or with conversation? I would rather settle things by talking.

I bring to a relationship experience of love. Meaning I know how to do it and I can pin point my wrongs. I bring the enjoyment of sharing, and also know when to be alone and leave alone.

I expect a mate to bring to me a calm and serene environment. I as a performer would like to keep my work and the drama of it on the stage! I need a brother that understands personal space, one that can cater and expect to be catered to.

Granted that I am a performer, I would like my lifestyle and sexuality to be on a need to know basis. I am already artistic enough so, I am comfortable with it being known, I just don't want to be judged by it.

I am a family oriented person. In some aspects I create family units to be loyal to sometimes my own family seems to lose sight of family values.

How selfish am I, lets just say I am determined to have my way when it applies to other people. But, I usually don't demand a lot of myself. I am usually catering others!

When it comes to money and material possessions I know that I have it, and I make it. I value how its spent an the things that I buy or investments that I make have got to last for me.

Daily I live to give the best of me and only receive the best from others...

I ALMOST DIED TODAY....

2006-07-27T22:38:00.000-04:00

I felt my chest poingnent with pain
as I rushed up the stairs to map out my fame
I couldn't feel my heart beat
I screamed my brothers name

Just a moment late I didn't feel that bad
so I walked to the campus doctor
just to see what I might have

When I got there it was as if all the wind
had been knocked from my chest

Then I digressed as the words that
came from the Dr.'s Mouth rang heavy in my chest.

You must go to the hospital now,
or you wont have long to live.

I check in at the hospital desk
I still have sporatic pain in my chest
I fill out papers, and cry out my eyes.
My Line brother seen all my pain inside.

I waited, I waited 7 Hours
did I say I cried.

Finally the Dr. came with a report

Pnuemonia it is....

Darkness fell across my face
as I started to envision my fate
I headed for a hospital bed
It had already been late

Bright and early I asked the Dr.
"How long do I have to Stay"
He said I don't know,
we are preparing you for xray.

I thought to myself what could the problem be
when later on that day what he said made my ears bleed.

The condition you suffer
is no usual attact
Your viral load is rocketing
and your t-cells are at lack
see the pnemonia is in both lungs
your health is bad off track

I am sulken in a daze
I can't think straight
I am always awake

Friends come
Friends go
People whisper
family bickers

July 28, 2003

I almost died today!!!

This Is The Moment

2006-06-04T19:43:00.000-04:00

This is the Moment, This is the day
When I send all my doubts and demons on their way
Every endeavor, I have made ever,
is coming into play, are here and now today.

This is the moment, When all I've done
All of the dreaming, scheming and screaming become one
This is the day, see it sparkle and shine
When all I've lived for becomes mine. From Jekyl and Hyde

Where does one start, I started this diary last year to chronicle the happenings of my countdown to my baccalaureate degree. It seems as if I stopped adding to the clippings of the year, but not hardly. I just found a way to be excited and chronicle by writing at home as well, hoping that some of it would find it's way here.

May 21, 2006, a dream in my eyes that was not too far from attainment when I began here last year. Over that time, I have become employed, I have loved, and lost. But, hell I regained my ability to know love, for real. Why? Because I stepped out of this box I called Baltimore, that has sheltered me for 10 years as I was incubating this thing I would now appreciate enough to call my life.

All of the events leading up to the day were a success, my only regret is that I didn't write as much here as I wanted. That is primarily due to the fact that I was having so much fun, and having so much fun having fun, I just couldn't stop to type about it. Here I am today, I hope I am remotely forgiven.

In my last post, there is the invitation to my senior recital. Can I say that it in itself was an evening filled with promise and ambition. Not because I was a senior graduating, but, because I was a student who had sought his dreams and came back to share with his family the joy of being successful. I truly enjoyed the attention of some 200 people that were gathered on one night to see me in my exit examination of a program that I had waddled in for some years.

My family was very excited to applaud me. Yet, they were being applauded for being the seed that spark my creativity to flame, and got me to where I am today.

It was great to see the many faces that were in the audience, that were there just to say, "I support you", "Thank God you've made it", and "Way to go Boy."

In a 2 part recital, I was able to speak the words of composers like Handel through Brahms, and Schubert through Schumann, and Still through Morris. I then returned to applaud my own accomplishments by singing songs from A Chorus Line, Porgy and Bess, and Jekyl and Hyde.

I woke up on May 21, 2006 feeling awkwardly accomplished, more than I did while I was on any of the tour stops during the school year with my show. I knew that after that day that I would no longer be looked at as a person striving for a degree. Rather, I would be looked at as a person that fought hard through obstacles and adversity, to obtain a degree.

It was wonderful, to have been given elation as I came on the main quad that morning. There where I met with friends and perfect strangers, to undertake a walk that although I had prepared for years, no one could have prepared me for the plethora of emotion that would ride my shoulders that day. In perfect unison, as I cadenced with the graduating class, was I able to hear my own inner cries of joy and relief. Not until that moment had it hit me, that I was making all of my dreams and aspirations reality. It was in that moment that I felt close to the God that had pre-ordered my horizons for that moment. In every step I took, I said thank you.

As I stepped to hear my name and receive my degree, not one word could I hear. But, I immediately hurried across the stage in a profound amount of tears, as my academic dean looked at me with welcome to a new part of my life. I hustled down the platform there to be greeted by my fellow men choirsters who some, had watched me in my transition and were glad to be apart of my cross over. I led out a shout of exhilaration, it was the all that I could do to mark my prolonged coming of age.

As I positioned myself at the microphone, the last time I would sing as a student in front of this vast body of talent, my eyes became heavy with tears. My voice rang through the stadium, and the wrestle of ten long years was heard from my small voice. It rang from wall to wall and person to person, that although we go through many trials and tribulations that the GOD that we serve is faithful to those who dilengently seek him. It was a time to testify, in all sense of the word. Completion, under the matchless ordinance of my father God.

There in witness were the great congregation of my family, who had beat out other families by being in the front row of the onlooking aggregation to ensure that they would see me as I transitioned. They took photos and yelled my name. They cried, and signed because of their disabilities. It was amazing.

I can say that this accomplishment is different, from that of most students, cause when I received my diploma, I had an answer for "So, what's next." That, is by far the best feeling that a person can have. Knowing that there is a future forward plan for them, after they have completed an aggrogous process.

This is the Moment, Damn all the odds
this day or never, I'll sit forever with the gods
When I look back, I will always recall
Moment for moment, this was the moment,
the greatest moment of them all.

Pursuing The Things You Love...

2006-05-02T01:14:00.000-04:00

In February as I made my way back to Baltimore from my short stay in NYC, I was in Pennsylvania Station and there was a fair of African American wares of sorts.

I seen a man with African American art, and I stopped by his table, knowing that art that is influenced by things of our people interest me. It was there that I saw a picture of Maya Angelou, and the quote beside her said,"Pursue the things you love doing and do them so well, that people can't take their eyes off you."

There in that quote was I able to characterize everything that I was about to undergo as I continued to walk the road that led to my commencement from this University.

I, DIVO, am a musician. Music is my passion and my choice instrument is my heart and voice. I put that my heart is a principle instrument, because that is usually where the bulk of the energy for what I do comes from.

If one would have told me, that the things that I do as a singer were going to take me this far, about 10 years ago, I would have said "Yeah, I know." But, since the last couple of years I just didn't think it was possible to endure all that I did, and still be able to approach ever so carefully the threshold that leads to my success.

This past week as I celebrated my Senior Recital, I reminded friends and family of my endeavor to become greater than a legend of the school, I want to become a legend beyond my Alma Mater. It was on Thursday, April 27, 2006, that I made that dream a reality. As I prepared to floor the audience with standard classical repertoire and some Broadway tunes, I was clearly not prepared for everyone to get my messages so loud and clear. In this day and time, there are people that are daily applauding my accomplishments and telling me how much of an asset to their life that I am.

All, my life, I have lived under the lessons of Maya Angelou without knowing that she was the instructor, and with the premise of this quote in my heart, it makes everything that I do from now on seem BIG.

So, everyday I will continue to pursue the things I love, cause right now people have their eyes on me, and I am exuding a positive return.

COMMENCEMENT COUNTDOWN:

19 DAYS

Blast From The Past

2006-03-17T09:50:00.000-05:00

In the past couple of weeks, I have been trying to get some old friends to see what is going on new in my life. I guess it seems to have worked a little too much to my advantage.

See, about 8 years ago, when I was younger and less experienced in the cyber world, I met a young man who I will call Jigga. We courted by way of telephone for almost about a year, and I just knew that he would be the one for me, or so I thought at the time.

As an inexperienced person, I believed that anyone you spend enough of your time with can possibly be a lover. Well, as the year went on there were some family issues with him, due to his age and him being somewhat to four years younger than me. I didn't take issue with this, but obviously the statutory laws would have.

Jigga and I, never quite as met, I always knew that he was someone that I connected with, and knew that if our paths had crossed in another life that we would surely be together.

Isn't the destiny of two people wonderful? While sending those emails last week, I sent it to all the people on my email list from about 10 years ago. Just think, I actually had the same e-mail address for 10 years. As I was sending it, I was noticing some names that I expected to come back undeliverable.

For one person, this was not the case. The email was answered with "Divo, where have you been all this time, call me!" I immediately went crazy at the thought of the gorgeous sixteen year old that I had come to hold so dear to my heart. He would be older now, wiser and without familial issues. But, I anticipated that he would have so much to say to me that wouldn't be positive.

As I picked up the phone to call him, my body pensive, my heart beating mile a minute, and my mind couldn't imagine what the first words out of my mouth would be.

When he picked up, his hello was like business as usual, and I felt like I did then, just as enveloped into his presence as I could be.

Today, we have taken a chance to realize that we are what we want out of life. There is so much freedom in talking to him, he is attractive, his career goals are substatial and match mines, we are in the same league, for lack of a better term, and I am so comfortable with thinking again, that he might be the one.

I think back to how I was going to give up on this dating thing, and I was thrown an artic blast from my past to remind me that he was always mine, and I never ever had to look farther than my own grasp.

Happy Birthday Jigga,
Here's to many more birthdays shared, kisses and hugs given , and conversations way past midnite.

WHO AM I, WHERE AM I ....

2006-03-12T15:04:00.000-05:00

If they could see me now,
That little gang of mine,
I'm eating fancy chow
And drinking fancy wine.
I'd like those stumble bums to see for a fact
The kind of top drawer, first rate chums I attract.
All I can say is "Wow-ee!
Looka where I am.
Tonight I landed, pow!
Right in a pot of jam.
What a set up! Holy cow!
They'd never believe it,
If my friends could see me now

This song from the musical "Sweet Charity" kinda sums up what I have been feeling in the last couple of months, with the new life experience thing going on, and all I can say is, "It's good to be me."

In taking journal of the last couple of months leading to my graduation, I thought that I would have a boring stay of events. Instead, I have been given many opportunities, some that have been afforded because of my diligence to speak declaratively to those things that I believe should be mine.

When I started this Web-journal, I was barely understanding how to get by on what I was receiving monthly from Uncle Sam. Today, I not only have one account, but count them 2, 3... accounts in different host banks/credit unions.

I can definitely bring it back to my audio file, everything that I have needed to survive, the hands of the Lord, has provided, and his "Faithfulness" is Great!

Now, back to those friends of mine. Doing this show and having an extended absence from the people that I call friends at school and the city in which I live is taking a weird toll on me. Granted, I have a weird schedule, and my school friends have just as hectic a schedule as I. I never imagined that as I climb the ladder of success that the support of my comrades would turn into disdain. See, they all seem to think that because my pocket has gotten a little heavier, that I am unapproachable and sometimes even forgetful of them, which is quite the opposite.
I call folks every day to tell them the weird things that are happening in my life that are personal to me, and have nothing to do with the show, and all of a sudden I am given a cavalier response as if nothing I say matter, but when they want to text message me every five minutes with stupidity I have to be more responsive.

Who am I, I can answer to you what I am not: I am not a pompous celebrity that needs a reason to shove my success in my friends faces, I am not a heartless entertainer that is only out for self gratification, I am not a brother that is unfaithful to his collegiate career, I am not happy with feeling uncomfortable in the presence of my friends.

Where am I, I can say that I am a brother, who by his trials and tribulations and faith in God, have pulled up from the muck and mire and chose life as a pattern for my year. I set out to excel so that I can lift those that are beside me, because we are all equal in Gods sight. I am one that is eager to please myself by tapping into the power source of friendship and share my wealth unwaveringly to my family and friends.

If I were told that "This it is to be a man of the highest type" a quote from my fraternity founder, than as I do my job, wouldn't people endeavor to reach higher, and deeper within themselves to know that I am the same me.

Yes, before I left for this appointment, I was siddity, and nothing was said then. Before I left I was articulate, and picky. I have not changed, why is it that when someone adds some zeroes or a couple of letters behind their name folks in their life change their tune.

Who am I, I am a unique individual capable of rising to the top and not forgetting from where I came.

Where am I, securely climbing to success but I cannot make it with folks putting me there unjustly with malice and false accusations of my character. I am a man in transition, I welcome change, but I will not welcome the attitude of the advisary in my life. I speak him/her/them/it, powerless.

Who am I anyway
Am I my resume
that is a picture
of a person I don't know

What do they want from me
What should I try to be
So many faces all around
and here I go...
I need this job,
thank god I'm in this show...

Out Here On My Own

2006-01-08T22:47:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I wonder
Where I've been
Who I am, do I fit in?
Make-believing is hard alone
Out here, on my own

We're always proving
Who we are
Always reaching
For that rising star
To guide me far
And shine me home
Out here on my own

A character from the movie fame exclaims this sentiment as do I.
The transition from complete student to professional is going well everyday, and all I can ask myself everyday is, "Do I really belong." As I lift my voice to sing heavens praises and some of earths for five hours daily, but never on Sunday, I realize that I am in a new league. I am in a new league, but I am never changing the game. I have always stepped up to the plat as nothing more than a professional.

I have met new people that live their own lives that are disconnected from mine and the show that we do. I have to examine folks' personalities, and their attitude adjustments. I am all about trying to see this thing go real far.

I chose the song Out Here On My Own because this is a culture shock for me. This is just as comparable as me leaving the shelter of NYC for the first time. This time it's the other way around and I am leaving the place which I hibernated for 10 years only to find that the worlds are really different from north to south.

I am usually one that says that I do not welcome change. I guess, I have to have admit that this is one time when change has been welcomed but with a retractable arm. I have learned to live here with others around me, but not yet really had the chance to give myself a moment until today.

This is a new and buoyant feeling. I wake up each morning energized as I get ready for the workout with the PT. Then I make my way across town to learn the tricks of this new game I am playing and then off to the races I go.

Who knew that I would be so happy. I think all the years of learning how to explore myself without killing myself really helped. So, if you see me walking down the street and I am singing to myself, just stop me and say, Divo, how is it, out here on your own?

I may have a song to sing back to you and the song goes like.... Hm hm hm hm hm....

That is for a later post....

Revelation not Resolution, Watchnight 2005

2005-12-28T14:11:00.000-05:00

Watch Night services have long been an important part of African American worship. When President Abraham Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation, freeing all the slaves in the Confederate States, it was to become law on January 1, 1863. On December 31, 1862, the night before it was to become law, African Americans gathered together in their churches and homes all over the USA, waiting for their freedom to arrive at midnight.

It's a little before New Year's Eve, and as I reflect on the resolutions of last year I have to thank God for every blessing he answered without a word. Everything that I ever needed in 2005 he has supplied.

Last year I learned of the significance of the "Watchnight Service." When I did, I was surprised to believe how connected African American folks are to this phenomenon, without knowing it's origin. It took on a new meaning for me, and thus doing so, I look at the day a little different.

See, last year, while waiting for the year to turn from 2004 to 2005, I had experienced a time of financial instability. I had nothing, and I gave all I had that night in the spirit of the freedom that I would receive in 2005. Well, no shorter than the first Sunday in January, the day after New Year's Day, was I blessed with a scholarship to finish my tenure at school. Leaving me with enough money in refunds to finance the rest of my year without a hitch. Blessings came, cause I believed not in the resolution that I made for me, but, in the revelation that God would bring for me in 2005. He did not intend that I be with financial hardship in 2005.

Well, I am looking towards 2006, our father has already out did himself in 2005 with his revelations for my life. All I had to do was claim it, even the impossible, and if it was his will, then it was mine.

This years "Watch Night" will be no different than last years. I am going in the church knowing that I will be released from 2005's bondage and given freedom to live in God's will in 2006. He hasn't stopped amazing me, so why should I quit praising.

January 1, starts a new year and I will be christening it in a new city, with a new experience about to happen. I have no resolutions for 2006, cause everything that I have been trying to resolve is being fixed in order of it's need. I don't need to resolve that I am going to be healthy, it comes with the job description. I am not going to resolve to find a job after graduation, cause it's already been supplied. I am not going to resolve that I find love, cause I have it, and romantic or not, it fills my cup.

This Watchnight or Freedom's Eve, what will be your revelation from God?

The one thing that you should have a resolution about is your relationship with the father, then you can receive his 2006 revelation and you will not be spiritually, emotionally, or financially bankrupt.

Ashe'

Appreciate the Struggle

2005-12-22T12:05:00.000-05:00

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I just want to say to anyone out there that reads this, " you will come to appreciate the goal when the struggle becomes a goal to live without." I haven't processed that yet, but I know that it will hold validity when I look at it later.

A quote taken from my first real post as a blogger.

When I started my blog I wanted to chronicle the ups and downs of my last 18 credits to graduation. Never did I think that when I started on this road that I would meet so many fabulous people and that my life was destined for the things that have recently transpired.

For those of you who haven't noticed I haven't blogged since right around the Thanksgiving Holiday. As soon as the holiday was over my schedule went in to overdrive and the destination was very evident, graduation against all odds.

Up until the holiday, I wasn't doing very well in my German class. I got sidetracked by the demanding schedule of Events Planner for the SGA. But, with much luck and prayer I bounced back, yet I still had a lot to concentrate on, so it was hard for me to get a blog line in.

Well, update, I have now completed 12 of my last 18 successfully and to my chagrin, the GOD that I serve has continued to show me his unmerited favor.

See, while home for Thanksgiving, I decided to take a leap of faith. Knowing that I would be graduating in little over six months, I wanted to find a way to secure employment for myself. So, I sent an email to the casting company of THREE MO'TENORS. I was told that I should audition by one of the music directors, so I felt that I needed to be proactive, although he said that he would recommend me for an audition in NYC in December.

No later than Monday after the Thanksgiving holiday was I sent an email, requesting that I attend a casting call and audition on the Dec. 7, with a possible call back on the 8th.

So, I had audition and extensive call back, by which the producers were very pleased with my performance. I was told that I would be getting a call, but I never anticipated that I would get the offer of a lifetime for a graduating senior in a Music Performance Major.

Ladies and Gentleman, as of Jan. 2, I will be returning to NYC to start rehearsals for a tour of THREE MO' TENORS, while taking my last 6 credits as an independent studies student.

I can truly say that I appreciate the struggle, cause my goal was to rid myself of the struggle. My way of getting there was in the arms of the GOD.

I finally know what the quote means, and I fully accept the gift of grace that god has allowed for me.

I would like to add, that while I type this entry I am in tears, because I never thought that this would happen to me. I believed in my heart that I would have to struggle harder to transition from Student to Professional.

I appreciate the struggle, because it's there that I find the strength to endure all that will come next.

Humbled,

KDA...

In response to "The Explanation of It's so Hard to say Goodbye"

2005-11-23T00:49:00.000-05:00

I am glad for the people that are not immediately in my life that find it plausable enough, to take time out of their schedules and give me a word of encouragement.

I wanted to add this word. Some people sent messages to me and I felt compelled to put my reply to them in my blog.

Thank you to those who listened to me as I opened my soul. Thank you also to those who spewed truth to me, forsaking not their personal integrity.

I am truly humbled by the commentary that I recieved.

To those who Respond
Please do understand that I am a very positive and peaceful person. I have taken an account of the life that I have lived, and just don't think that it is possible. I mean, I think about the thing that I want, and what I have been given, and something has always got to give. I know that there is someone out there for me, I can pretty much tell that. The way I was feeling yesterday was what I wanted to document. I really tell myself all of the time that I have a lot to be thankful for and a whole lot to give another person.

I personally am tired of carrying the load that I do, and the only way that I get to express it, is in the relationship I have with some close friends. I used footstool as a factual reference. It's really not all a bad thing for me, I had relationships that prepared me for what it is that I am looking for now. Granted, those relationships were the epitome of what I wanted at the time, but they also helped focus me to what I didn't want, and how I wanted to be respected.

I have set some brothers on a good path. Some of them have had some feelings and have left because of the HIV status and stuff. I understand their plight. Some, aren't happy that I have chose to not be sexual at this time, because I think that it is too freaking emotional to be giving that shit to just about any one.

I guess, what I am saying is that after reading all that you took the time to write back to me. I have the chance to see that there are people that view me the way that I view me. The person that I am letting go, sees me as such, he isn't mentally prepared to understand how to deal. I on the other hand, am not really to let him go.

Explanation of "It's So hard to say goodbye"

2005-11-21T23:02:00.000-05:00

I have come to realize that I am not meant to have a man of my own. So, I did the next best thing, I decided to chill with brothers who I love being around and being apart of their lives in a major way. We, sharing so much of each other would be able to build a relationship that would compensate for the relationship that I do not think I will ever have or deserve.

We serve as each others support net. We are each others strength, financial support, kiss on the cheek, hug in the morning. I mean we are each others everything.

It changes when what you have built, turns into the one thing that you fear. An actual relationship based on truth, honesty, and trust.

In these relationships, the door has always been open for someone to scoop anyone of us from what we call our sacred comfort zone.

Well, the time has come. I have to learn that the possibility of me being in a happy relationship will not come. That I will only have the thought of being with others until they find what they cannot get from me, somewhere else.

I will never understand what about me scares brothers so much. I think it may be that I am a conqueror and that I make no excuses for the faults of my past. I simply chalk them up to my being young and frivolous.

I am once again allowing someone, of whom I care very deeply, to explore their own sexuality away from our inner arrangement. He, needs someone else to validate what I have been saying all along. Oh, and I am not the correct ethnicity, so I never really had a chance. I asked him if he ever thought I could make him happy. He said that he had never really wanted to answer that question, because he would be afraid of the answer that he would give.

This pinch in my day is temporary. It is hard to give away someone that you have invested a lot of time and energy. I will still be here for moral support. I mean where can I go? I am merely a stepping stone to something real.

Real-lationships are not for me. I am a footstool for the real lovers.

I am fully capable of knowing that this post seems to put me in a place of denial of depression. But, I am not depressed. I just know my limitations in life. I know that I have a lot to offer someone that has walked the same road as I and is ready to explore with me a horizon that I have yet to trod.

I give my baby away freely. But I know that who he is going to is not as good as me. I will have my eye out like a hawk.

Don't pity me, I am ok...

Ashe'

It's So Hard To Say Goodbye!!!

2005-11-20T22:03:00.000-05:00

Is it hard to say goodbye to what we have
the good times that made us laugh
are just those, good times.

I never expected a forever with you
I expected that you would tell me what you really feel.
You have been most gracious with me
you have been honest every step of the way.

I put myself in a position
that I would have to let you go
and let you be in another's arms.

I know fully that they
are not capable of loving you
the way that I have, can and always will.

You are a part of my life today and forever
I cannot think of my days without you.

So I will not say goodbye,
I will say good luck,
There will always be a home for you here.

My Friend, my love, my baby....
It's hard to say goodbye
so I will say Good Luck.

Ride On Rosa, Ride On!!!

2005-10-31T23:59:00.000-05:00

In a brief, yet solemn service of remembrance and reflection, Sunday, October 30, 2005 will never be the same to me. I would never have thought that after learning of her death that I would play a part in creating an atmosphere for her life to be celebrated at the Rotunda in our nations Capital Building.

I will not boast of my accomplishment, but rather share the ambiance of the room, where the Mother of our Civil Rights Movement was the first of her kind to lay in state in our nations capital.

There were people that were escorted in to usher her in to the Rotunda. There were cameras everywhere. There were producers of the CNN show there to make sure that the television show ran smoothly. There were young and old, black and Caucasian. It was a sight to behold. Behold, I was a part of history. History was being made at that moment, and instead of being at home taking in history being made, I was a name to go down in history. My name may never be called, but my presence was there through and through.

I was asked by the local media, what it was like to sing for such an occasion? All I could think was that I grew up learning of the history of our people and Rosa Parks' contribution to the African American civil rights movement. Although the movement in sorts is not fully complete, she lived a life that exemplified service to humanity and even in death she is a trailblazer, a vehicle that sets the pace for our people. I was there to witness from the body being in route till it laid gracefully and valiantly on the platform for our view.

I would never have placed myself in the proximity of the casket to be able to utter the words of the song that I sang. I would never have imagined in my fondest dream that I would be honored to surprise the first lady of our nation with my unique voice. This day will forever be etched in the fabric of my life and in the mouths of my family griots until the lineage is complete.

Rosa Parks, the catalyst of the Civil Rights Movement, a gem for all to behold.

Rosa sat down, to stand up for what she believed in.

Ride on home Rosa, your journey is complete, stand up and be called blessed.

It was my honor to lift you on your way.

Ride On Home!!!

Last Night I Had an Epiphany.....

2005-10-27T01:31:00.000-04:00

Last night I had an Epiphany.

While I was talking to a friend that I have recently met. It dawned on me that people do really enjoy being a part of my life and I need not take it for granted that people care.

Recently, as I may have stated before, I have had a feeling of being inadequate to give and receive affection. I have recently had people that have disclosed to me their deeper feelings and I am glad. I had to draw it from them. In their words " I would rather show you how I feel in my daily actions, than to tell you and not live it."

With this I have a brother in my life that I can invite into my personal space, my inner sanctuary. He is a gem, I love being in his presence, and I love that we do not have to label something. Especially because we have not shared anything sexual, and have no current intentions to do so. He is just comfortable in my presence and I admire that.

We had an issue last week. After a long evening of cuddling, where I escaped my world of a thousand duties, I had to return to it, but, I was going to be late. We shared a very intimate two times, and I felt that he would misconstrue my intentions. Well, the next day he kind of flipped scripts on me, and told me that he was not ready to be in a relationship with me.

Well, needless to say we had a weird week since his disclosure of that information. But last night "We" had an epiphany, that we both enjoyed each others company, and that was the nature of our relationship. Not to be misunderstood for a commitment of exclusive dating. Hey, we are friends that can be there for one another. He compliments my sanctuary, and I balance him too. We are just cool like that.

We have vowed to each other to take things one day at a time. I also know that he is proned to wander to a female for refuge too. But, I am secure in our relationship because of the foundation that we are laying now. If we ever have any feelings beyond the platonic arrangement we have now, we are to be completely honest with one another.

I am writing this as a reminder to myself to accept what is natural, and not to force what is not for me to see yet.

No man can see the future, but, how we cherish our present dictates how to appreciate the gift of the future.

Ashe to my Santuary!!!!

Any Given Sunday....

2005-10-23T15:39:00.000-04:00

Sunday always begins a new week, depending on what culture you were raised in.

I have always looked to Sunday as the emmancipation of my bitter tears of last week, or the envelopment of the joy that I recieved in the week prior.

This Sunday isn't just ANY GIVEN SUNDAY....

Why?

Since September 25, 2005, I have been on a Roller Coaster ride of sorts. I have seen many good things happen to me and I have also watched things happen that I would hope to never happen again. I have gained people in my life I have lost things in my life.

I am always amazed at how I celebrate the good and not so good in my life. This time is of no difference. This Sunday can serve as a Joy and a Sorrow.

Homecoming Week at school went off without a hitch. I was able to do all of my activities and people actually enjoyed the way that I executed the events of the week.

My Whole week came to a grand pause, when I found out that my mentor Dr. Mildred R. McKinney, who had been the teacher and advisor to the Mr. & Miss Morgan State University Coronation, had passed.

She was my rock and strong tower. I owe the very life I have now to her, because it was her that was determined never to let me think of ill thoughts while I was being nursed back to health three years ago.

What makes it all strange is that I found out while doing something that we both worked on together for so long when I found out.

I haven't written on A Day In The Life lately cause it just seemed that a glimpse into my day would seem so obsolete. Until, I thought just how much this place really brings back my focus.

I have stayed away due to a low count in visitorship. I was determined to get back but my life just became easier to live than to type about.

Well, I am here to type it to myself if to no one else.

This SUNDAY is one where I reflect on all the wrong done to me in the last 30 days and all the right that was poured into me, and I will learn to accept both for their place in my growth.

This is not just ANY GIVEN SUNDAY, this is the day that I will relfect on things that I haven't thought about. This is a day to visit that person that I haven't visited. When I get there, they will see it out of the blue, but you will always know that this was my mission TODAY.

Coming Of Age

2005-09-25T14:47:00.000-04:00

Lord, as I continue to emerge,
let nothing I do this year
be without your guidance and blessing.

I have gone against your will a bit
at the age of Twenty-seven.
It is my desire to make you fully proud
at the age of Twenty-eight.

Let this moment now, be a testimony
for all the world to see,
that although the doctors had given up
These last couple of years you have blessed me.

Enhance my ability to give my very best.
May all I come in contact with
receive and be called blessed.

Oh, Lord, this is the time
I have made up in my mind
I with you, will be just fine.

Twenty-eight, I greet you
in the name of the
Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

Make me Lord, what you will
in this year, show yourself to others
as you have done before.

I pray to receive what is necessary
and whatever you give more.

I'd like a companion in my life
you've already supplied him for me.

Lord, what ever you see fit
I remove my hands
I'll let you lead

So this poem
that is off the cuff
is how I feel
as I walk the rough
precipitous road
you have laid for me.

Grant it Lord,
if you please.

This poem is written, prematurely, in honor of my Twenty-eighth birthday.
I usually don't have folks clamoring to celebrate with me. I usually have to force folks to acknowledge it. I know where I came from, and how God reversed the curse that the devil had for me. I am happy this year. I have all that I need, and the good Lord makes some of my wants a necessity.

For those of you that care, my Birthday is on September 27, @ approximately 4:00pm.

I am only expecting some people that are in the immediate circle to call, that is all I expect. I have three meetings and a concert to plan, so who knows if I will even get out to take in the world.

What ever the celebration is, I am looking forward to what God promised, that the doctors didn't.

For those of you that are feeling like I have low self esteem, I don't. I am just recalling all that I have been through in the last couple of years. I have done my introspective look every year since high school. This year is no different. I am usually in an extreme thought process about this time of year. But, I am really as strong in self esteem and self worth as the next man.

As for love in my life, it exists, although it seems that it's unidirectional. I know that I am loved by someone, it's just not being conveyed the way I have been taught to understand it.

Baby boi, it's all yours. You know who you are.

Iight, the tears that will flow from time to time are here.

I will tell you guys how it all went, hopefully, on Wednesday.

Until then,

Carry on, someone has to hold down the fort.

The former Twenty-seven year old Kenny.

I Wont Complain

2005-09-16T00:10:00.000-04:00

I have some good days
I have some hills to climb
I've had some weary days
I've had some sleepless nights

But when I look around
and think things over
All of my good days
outweigh my bad days

I won't complain.

I have to give props to God for being who he is.
There is so much that has been revealed to me within the last couple of weeks, all I can do is either cry or thank GOD.

Every appointment that he has made for me has been as a set up, for something greater.

The position at school is going to be a task, not only did I expect for things to have been well planned before me, I also hoped that I would only have to add a few touches. Hell nah, try starting from scratch.

We had some B2S activities this week and they were poorly publicized, definately something to get on with the next group of events.

I have been in my position for the last two weeks. In these two weeks I had hoped to get settled in my office so that I could meet with key people to help me to arrange my events for the semester and start planning next semester. Obviously, the SGA President hasn't done her thing yet, cause I am still waiting for the darn keys, but to requote the title of this entry "I won't complain," here is why:

I find it absolutely flattering and honoring that I would be selected to serve as part of a counsel to where the average person on the board is at most 10 years my junior.

I also find it funny that although I have been thrust into this position the people that have watched me work in other capacities are acting as if I am about to get brand new, as if they don't already know that I have a great deal of control of what needs to be done.

I also find it interesting that I haven't really been able to do my job, cause they were doing so well without me that thirty other people other than me know what I should know, and believe me I have been in meetings all week.

Those of you that know prayer, pray that the YOUTH that I am working with gets a grip on what it is to labor for your institution, so that they might instill pride.

Also pray that as they look to me for guidance that I can do it in a humble and serving manner.

Today we met with the President of the University. It was a good meeting, I guess they weren't prepared for me to really speak my mind. But I asked a good question; it was posed to the staff that had served as student leaders during their matriculation, in the 70's, I asked them to give pointers for leadership through the eras, since our times being different what distinguishes a Morgan Leader.

It was after that meeting that the Assistant VP for Student Affairs, commented to me that she is very proud of me, and hopes that I can help a student governing body that has long forgot how to ask for guidance in leadership.

I have a heavy task on my shoulders. It is larger than planning and executing events. It is deeply rooted in maintaining pride at all costs.

Lets Git Lifted

2005-09-08T22:57:00.000-04:00

I guess after listening to John Legend all summer, I should have believed that I would Get Lifted. Am I getting high? Nah, I am just literally been given the oppourtunity to do many great things this year.

Some of you might remember that I stated in a previous post that I was auditioning for LION KING. Right, after talking about it so much in my first posts in June, I was given the oppourtunity to be apart of a concert with the touring company.

Well, Sunday was the last day for them to be here in Baltimore. I was so close to them as they were here I became apart of the family. Here are a few pics, the ones I feel best describe my new friendships.

In other news, as I was attending my university's first football game (Yes, Gay men can go to the game!), I kept hearing folks saying "Congratulations Kenny!" I had absolutely no idea what they were talking about until the president of our SGA came and spoke to me and said "What are you doing this semester?" I was a little taken a back by this system of questioning until she said, "We would like you to accept our offer of Umoja Council Director for SGA!"

Ah, hell nah, they did not come and congratulate me on a position I hadn't even accepted yet. None the less that was the tenor of the evening.

Well, on Tuesday September 7, 2005 at approximatley 4pm, I was officially appointed the Umoja Council Director for the Morgan State University Student Government Association. My duties include but are not limited to:

Planning the Student Homecoming Activities ie: Concert, Pep Rally, Block Show, Pool Party, Back to School Events, I Love Morgan Events and other things too numerous to mention.

I will be doing all that while holding positions as follows: Rainbow Soul - Secretary, Sinfonia - Treasurer, Programs and Services Director, Mr & Miss Morgan Coronation and Pageant Director.

Whew! I am tired just typing it all out. I am very glad that I have learned what effective leadership is this summer. I think it has prepared me to delegate what I know I cannot do myself.

So with that being said, I have to start listening to the artists that I am contracting for Homecoming Concert. I am hoping to make it live in the place.

So "BEAR" with me if I only post 2 times a week until November. But I will keep you abreast of all my progress.

P.S. I am doing all this holding down 5 classes with 7 credit hours (Damn my major classes being 1 credit), and trying to maintain or boost a 2.97 GPA.

Ya'll Pray! Look out for the Press Releases, and I am outtie!

Exhale....

2005-09-08T22:41:00.000-04:00

Thank you to those that have awaited a post from me. I think that it is special to still have some folks out there that really care about what is going on in my life.

When I started this process, I never visioned that as I unfolded my life to people that I would become so connected to so many folks on here for one reason or another.

I thank all of the regulars that called, just to see what was going on with a brother.

NEWS FLASH ******* SCHOOL HAS STARTED

The reason that the news flash is given is cause there is so much to say about starting senior year, finally, on August 30, 2005.

But, before I can talk about my life, I feel it only natural to speak a tad bit on something worlds larger than me.

KATRINA!!!

She already holds the distinction of the most money grubbing, gold digger female to ever step out of the Ocean Projects and cause havoc on sections of the USA, which in passing will affect the lot of americans.

I have watched every report on this subject till tears were no longer an option but a mandate. My soul is still not cleansed by the thought of people being displaced and the like.

I am already a bleeding heart, and this situation has taken the best of me.

I am doing all that I can do through my collegiate organizations to help in the efforts. You wouldn't believe what it takes to get a whole university to unite in the face of adversity. However, we are doing it after much debate. Yes, there was a debate, about how the monies would be divided among the students we are supporting that are about to attend our university.

To all of the residents and students in the affected towns, I say, God be with you for the long and the short, he has your back. The country is pouring out what the government cannot. We are starting to realize our own power. It is obviously not in the gov't, but rather, lies in the hearts of all that are bleeding for the people. That intuition can only come from GOD. He is present in the situation, and he is faithfully watching how his people are dealing with the situation, and he will bless those that are diligently trying to help in any way.

This post has out lived its subject. I will start my other news in another post. I am about to cry again. Too much emotion on this situation.

A Blues For Divo

2005-08-18T12:44:00.000-04:00

Well, I have done it.
I have told all the people that I remotely have feelings for that I do.
The one that actually holds my heart and I had a long early breakfast, late dinner till four a.m.

I never knew that I could tell him how I felt, basically because I didn't know how he would react. See, I was always under the impression from him that he was a heterosexual male. I never thought that as I told him about my vision of him and me, that he would reveal himself to me, only for me to be rejected.

What makes the story good is that I can live free of stress cause I can't talk to him about it. The bad part about it is that it feeds my continuous and deep abiding faith in the fact that I can never be loved the way I want or deserved by a physical person ever again.

We love each other without delay, but, he holds me in a regard that I cannot change. We are too close in one arena to be closer in the other.

Why the hell did I consent to living a life without sex? Why did I consent to being present in my thinking and letting folks know how I felt about them?

What may be funny to some people reading this, is that they think I am talking about Simply Flawless, but I am not. I have never talked about my true real life mental and physical attraction to this other person. I will give him a name for this blogging purpose, although he doesn't read my blog, people that know him do, and I have to protect him. I will call him Innocent Love.

Innocent Love is my world, and I love him dearly. I will always love him, which is how we left it yesterday. If anyone wants to get with Innocent Love, you have to go through me, and he agrees. Since, I am the first person to love him completely; those are his words not mine.

He has never heard the words that I have said to him. Makes me feel glad that I have said them, but I am upset that he won’t allow that to open his heart more. He knows and always has, that I see things in him that others don't look for. I will be watching him like a lion watches his cubs. He is my sweetie.

If you read this IL, you know I love you, and remember that pain is temporary when you really love someone. I got your back baby, never forget it.

Circle of Life II, Shadow Land

2005-08-17T14:32:00.000-04:00

Folks we are coming down to the last stretch of time with the Lion Kingers and I. The last multi-rehearsal weeks have paid off royally. The fullfillment that I have enjoyed as being apart of something so vast is radiating from me.

Monday nights performance of Pride & Praise was definately amazing. The thing that got me is that with so many folks together to put this show on I expected so much more stress, but from start to finish the evening was great.

What made the experiance better for me was that I was able to contribute in other ways than just singing with my choir, the Lion Kingers, and Mass Choir.

The show needed african drummers to go along with a Swahili piece that we were singing. They were literally looking, so I didn't really think that they needed suggestions. Well, I recieved a call on Sunday night, while at the movies watching Skeleton Key, and I was told to call my MD to tell him of a possible lead for drummers an associate had but he wasn't really sure. I told him that I could do better than that, I went and called some of my students of the Ensemble that I work for and asked if they could do it. I was a part of something and was able to remember and reccomend someone else. That is the good thing about having a good rapport with people, the LK folks trusted my judgement and my students did as well.

The best part of the day on Monday was when a gentleman in the LK'ers came in, he was a tad late and looking like he had a shitty day. I know, you might be thinking, why was it the best part of your day? But the thing is that the entire time he was trying to readjust his day. All through out the evening I was gently whispering a praise up in his proxy. I was asking GOD to bestowe the peace on him that I profess here on my blog at all times. Well, finally, I got to whisper it to him. It was the most profound moment of the evening. He got it, and his atmosphere changed. All I told him was that "We love you, and you have God's peace."

Fast Forward to the end of the evening, the cast member I will name God's Gift because he is a great talent that I cannot out like that, and I ended the evening together partially recalling our pasts. I immediately told him that we had to have been friends in another lifetime cause our dealings would not have been so extremely natural. We talked for a total of like four hours and it was deep, he talked about a relationship that he is in, and I talked about the fear of me never having one. We each complimented the others needs through comfort. I almost felt like that time in "Waiting to Exhale" when Bernie is in the arms of Wesley Snipes. Just breathing. I was so moved by all that transpired, that me as the emotional wind mill that I am, had to write about it. So here goes:

Recollection of God's Gift

Mystery is serious
because it is there
where you may relive
something that happend long ago

Like when two souls reaquaint
and emotion from each other permeates
there is just no question
that when we relive our past
that we can look forward to our future

My Nubian King
I remember you from
a time that isn't our own
could it have been
that we played together as children in Egypt
collecting precious stones from the NIle.

Could it be that we
were two of the three
brothers that were
saved from the fire

Could it be that you
were a Prince
and I were your help mate
or could I remember wrong
and it's the other way

I hear your name
and can relive our distant yesterday
It's a clearer recollection
that I am praying for today

Maybe it's unfair
to ask who we were then
But it just helps me to know
we are destined to be friends

In your presence
there is a peace
that covers both our hands
the aura as we look at each other
only we can understand

I am glad to have found you again
Its been a hard road
without my timeless friend
I look in to your eyes and wish
such beauty to never end.

Mind with a Body or a Body with a Mind—Which Are You?

2005-08-09T15:37:00.000-04:00

I read this article By AJ Jackson last weekend. I was so touched that I had to reply, because there was so much truth and healing in the words that he wrote. I implore you to read and be blessed this has been on my mind in the last couple of days.

There are others subjects that I would like to touch on, but this one is the one on my mind right now. ENJOY!

From the moment we come to this earth kicking and screaming like we want to return from where we came from, everyone is granted with three priceless gifts. Mind, Body & Soul. After that momentous occasion in our life and time progresses, these three gifts afforded to us holds hand with growth and takes us on a journey through life. As newborns, our BODY seems to grow the most. During the infant stage, growth of the BODY is coupled with the MIND to embark upon new discoveries. Past the infantile stage our SOUL begins its growth through the teachings of values and morals from those we trust and who are closest to us.

Now let’s fast forward from your dramatic birth to this very moment. Compared to your growth from that day, how is your growth today? Body? Are you pursuing the goal of losing a few pounds before the “BIG PARTY” next month so you can fit in those tastefully tight jeans? What about Soul? Attending church services and having personal meditation time so that your soul is fed? What about MIND? Are you pursuing that degree in the field of study that you love or striving to be the best in your career? Ok, so let me pose one question to you. Of these three gifts that were afforded to you, which do you feel is the most important? Before you take the escape route and say, “well all of them are equally important,” I will say that I agree with you to a certain extent. However, there is one that affects the others whether it is beneficial or detrimental. If you guessed MIND, you guessed right.

As I mentioned before, during the infant stage the growth of the BODY is coupled with MIND. Just take a look at some infants around you. When they reach for that hot stove, you scream “DON’T TOUCH THAT! ITS HOT! At that time, the infant may not understand what you are saying or why you are saying it. However, after a few screams, a successful touch of the stove, and a nasty red blister, the BODY communicates to the MIND that touching the HOT stove is not a great idea. What about your job, where you attend school, or even what you ate for dinner last night? How did you make those choices? Your SOUL? Your BODY? Or your MIND?

There are many different ways one can look at it. A lot of the choices that are made in life are a direct result of a decision made by the Mind. Given that fact, why does it seem like the BODY is the presiding force in our lives? How is the BODY leading the MIND? Let’s look at a few examples.

“We’ll I know my doctor told me to slow down on all the greasy foods, but this deep fried chicken won’t hurt me. This food is too good to be missing out.”

Or what about, “He is not only fine he is P-H-Y-N-E fine, so I can go without using protection this one time. I gotta have that!”

For some of you, these may be drastic examples. The truth is that these types of personal declarations go on everyday. They can be found in you, your companion, your closest friends, and family members. This is the life of having a Body with a mind.

A BODY with a MIND is simple. Without sufficient thought, the BODY seeks to satisfy certain needs, ,desires and dictate how they will be met. Now let’s look at the real world. Do you know someone who is going to work day after day, yet they hate their job? This is the BODY leading the MIND. How about someone who is living in the hell of a verbally and physically abusive relationship, yet they will not leave because the sex is good or they feel no one will want them? This is the BODY leading the MIND. And how about that person who knows they are HIV positive, yet chooses not to tell their intimate partners? This is the BODY leading the MIND. Living a life like this can be a danger to not only the fellow gifts (Mind & Soul) it can also affect the gifts of those who surround them. This state of living announces to the world that this person is a BODY not using, but simply housing the MIND.

Let’s now look at the person who is a MIND with a BODY. What is a MIND with a BODY? A MIND with a BODY is someone who realizes the power and the strength of their MIND. Not only do they realize this, but they allow the MIND to be the ever present driving force in their life. A few examples;

“I do not like my current state of health so I have DECIDED to follow my doctor’s instructions and lay off the grease. Life is way more important than eating at the greasy spoon.”

Or “Don’t get me wrong, you fine and I mean P-H-Y-N-E fine, but one night without protection, can make the rest of my nights sorrowful. I love myself way more than that!”

Just as there are those who decide to allow the BODY to lead the MIND, there are an increasing number of those who are allowing the MIND to lead the BODY.

You have probably heard sayings like, “So a man thinketh, so is he,” or “A mind is a terrible thing to waste.” I will admit, for some time I thought these were clichés to either get me to do better or I knew that someone was getting ready to hit me up for some money for a college fundraiser. But being a BODY with a MIND, I have learned in some undesirable ways, that life can be burdensome, depressing, and just downright disgusting at times. But one day I decided I wanted to be a MIND with a BODY. This decision was evoked after experiencing a relationship that was not only verbally and physically abusive, it ate away at the threads of my emotions and spirit. Because I knew this was a relationship that I simply got use to, I fell into the BODY leading the MIND state. Coming home to someone, having dinner ready and on the table after I got off work, attempting to satisfy the need of being with someone else, I, the BODY with a MIND stayed. But when I knew I could be and have better, my MIND began the transition of taking the lead. The first step? Deciding and believing I could be and have better. When I allowed the MIND to lead the BODY, I withdrew myself from that situation and my life changed. I remember thinking to myself, “You mean to tell me, if I decide in my MIND, that I want to be, do, or become anything I want, it will happen?” That question is now my statement of affirmation. Instead of asking “if”, I now say “when.” Instead of saying “want”, I now say “will.” And today brothers and sisters, I can write these words and say I am a MIND with a BODY. My MIND determines where I am going and what I am going to do. And in that, my body automatically follows. What’s the best thing about it? When it is something you want to do, a dream you want to accomplish, though it may seem really hard and unconceivable, if your MIND can see it, you better believe you can achieve it.

Just do me one favor. When you finish reading this I ask that you take at least this one thing with you. Realization. Realize that you can do it. If you make up in your MIND you want to, it will happen. No matter what it is. If you want to lose 50 pounds, want that loving relationship, want to earn the income you know you deserve, or you want to beat that sickness that some think may take you out, make up in your MIND that you want it. And when you do, the BODY will have no other choice but to follow.

MIND with a BODY or BODY with a MIND—Which are you? Better yet, which do you want to be?

AJ Jackson

Taking A Stand

2005-08-03T15:14:00.000-04:00

Recently, I just returned from my National Conclave. My fraternity, a predominately white society, kinda bent backwards to summon the HBCU chapters to the national event.

I being a member of an HBCU attended the event witout hesitation, as did my fraternal son and my line brother.

We got to Evansville, IN, and there were three other HBCU chapters represented out of 13. I immediately got mad, because the fraternity promised $50.00 to each chapter that showed up. I know the amount may seem insignificant, however it is for my organization.

Well, I guess all of you that have read my blog seem to know that I am very upfront and blunt with what I have to say. So, I wrote an essay directed towards the HBCU chapters in my fraternity. It wasn't malicious it was very simple stated but blunt.

I recalled them to their original inception in 1952 and reminded them that although we hold our HBCU convention every year, our fraternity is national and we need not try to convene ourselves without remembering to attend our National, Province, Regional, or Conclave events.

I was talking to a fellow blogger today and he encouraged that I write this story on my blog. Mainly because this is another reason that I have not been vocal on here. I made a fraternal vow and I feel that others aren't living up to theirs.

I guess what I am learning is, although I may not be an appointed leader in my fraternity, I still have a voice as an active dues paying member.

To all my brothers and sisters that have been enlightened by one organization or another, please always be true to the information that you have been taught, it will help you in the long run.

Release

2005-07-29T18:06:00.000-04:00

It has been too long. I have missed my place in this part of my world.
I am ready to come back with vigorous fire.

It has been good to read all of the happenings of the city since I have been gone.
I will outline my last couple of weeks, just so that you can join me in my release.

I have had some very good things happen to me in the last couple of weeks.

Most of you remember the post I made called Circle of Life well I really talked about the great things that I have been through and how they led me to my current situation in life. However, in the last couple of weeks I have been given the oppourtunity to rehearse with the touring cast of Disney's The Lion King. We are preparing for a benefit gospel concert that will take place here in Baltimore. So needless to say I have been in song and choreography rehearsals for the last three weeks, two times a week.

I have also been called on to teach Baltimore's inner city youth again, with the Nu World Arts Ensemble. I am responsible for choral studies and voice. I have rehearsal with them three times a week. Sometimes they overlap with my LK rehearsals.

This past week, I have been in the studio recording with a group of collegues for a company called GIA Publications. That was a total of nineteen hours of my week, including rehearsals, to record up to about twenty-five songs. All scored out. (Divo, can read music you know!)

I am of course teaching Simply Flawless, and I have lessons with him for an hour and a half, two times a week.

So, now I have become everyones studio coach, and I have been consulted to write on some Hip-Hop Tracks. (Gay, Divo, and Hip-hop, say it isn't so?) So I now have to find the time in my already busy schedule to sit in the studio with several artists. Besides the fact that I have been asked to help another up and coming artist with his studio sound. I AM BEAT

I am planning a 50th Year Recognition for my mom. Right, the one that doesn't celebrate birthdays because she is becoming a Jehovah Witness. So that is fun, but taxing.

All the while I have to maintain, relationships with friends, frat, and last but definately not least the bloggers.

Needless to say, that when I find a free moment, I will continue to bring you guys my best.

Until then stay blessed and enjoy Simply Flawless god knows I do.

ICE = IN CASE OF EMERGENCY

2005-07-22T14:29:00.000-04:00

In case of emergency.... ICE

Paramedics will turn to a victim's cell phone for clues to that
person's identity.

You can make their job much easier with a simple idea
that they are trying to get everyone to adopt: ICE.

ICE stands for In Case of Emergency. If you add an entry in the
contacts list in your cell phone under ICE, with the name and phone no. of
the person that the emergency services should call on your behalf,
you can save them a lot of time and have your loved ones contacted quickly. It
only takes a few moments of your time to do.

Paramedics know what ICE means and they look for it immediately.
ICE your
cell phone NOW!

Please pass this one along...

The Choice

2005-07-21T14:08:00.000-04:00

First off, I would like to thank Frank Leon Roberts for remembering me enough to consider my thoughts on such a provocative subject matter.

It does more than touch me, hell it has quaked my world.

I say, get rid of numbers. The world is saturated by giving percentile statistics to a generation that can't do simple arithmetic.

I am a statistic. I don't just represent the numbers, I am living proof that the epidemic exists. My way to combat it is to use my artistic talents. Everyone is not an highly educated and knowledgeable bookworm. I use my life as an example to my community and my people. I shed light on the situation by presenting myself as a face for the ones that do not believe.

All this talk of statistics and positive people disclosing their status has led me to share a poem that I wrote the one time in my life when I knew that I had done something wrong. This is my reality, not my political catalyst.

The Choice

One must rely on his own truth
cause it is all he has as joy

I met a fellow
and to my heart he grew close

I just couldn't imagine our
art making music together

so when it did it was
surprising and unexpected

the sitting and gazing
turned into kissing and touching

like to new comers to the game
we explore the greater depths
of our horizons

A choice was to be made.

So I let him enter
my penetrable oasis
and sip of my nectar

And although so much
turbulence filled the atmosphere
I was soaring
like a bird in a free land

I have let myself go.

How could I have let him
sip my nectar
without me letting him know.

Could for him
my passion grow.

Because of my choice
I may never know.

I will let the commentary interpret what should be all to clear.
I am also to have been away so long, duty calls, and I must answer.
I am glad to have this chance to such a great thing.
I will be looking to each of you bloggers that I respect so much, to help me put on my final program at school that will mark my stance, and distinguish me for being the open and honest Positive man on campus.

Please read the article that was printed in my School newspaper in October of 2004.
Spokesman Article 10/8/2004

While You Were Speechless

2005-07-12T23:29:00.000-04:00

I took a seat
and started singing
into your pretty feet
words that were honey sweet
and watched your face as you
wept.

In constant anticipation
and a rapid emancipation
of your mental incantations
to my heart.

Then you spoke
and I was touched again
your lips became the pen
and as they formed each word
the music that I heard was
like humming birds in trees.

Your voice was saying
make love to me!
and like the good lover I am
I took out my pen

I wrote you lullabyes
for the days we are apart
I orchestrated etudes
to capture your heart.

I made my way to your bed
but I couldn't get in
cause before I could lay down
you whispered words again

Like how we are literary lovers
and never in a million years
would we find another

That will caress our poetic skin
That renders peace within
our souls together breathing
our bodies heaving

For The Words!

We buzz like around each other
we take turns being honey and the bee
we are flying high as
bluejays in the oak trees.

We are the soul children
touched by the
true and unadulterated word

We are the epitome
of the gifts of mother earth
from our birth
we were meant to be

and literary lovers are we.

There are too many things I have been feeling in the last couple of weeks. I am totally in a elevated and cloud nine space right now. I am more than at peace it is a scary euphoria.

Next Post:
Circle of Life II

Touch Me

2005-07-11T23:16:00.000-04:00

Touch me with your
penetrable language
the dialect of
sensitive words
that permeate my heart

Pour into me
the drops of your
insatiable alphabet
and fill me like
a basin with
roses as metaphors

Make me translate
your every rhythmic tone
as we listen to the
soundtrack of our midnight rendezvous

Create for me an
erection of similies
and pun after pun
make me
come to grips with
my understanding of
our sublime and subconscious
telepathy

Communicate with me
in any way
but sexually

Sex is a game
we don't have to play
cause we play with words
and they don't have an ending
there is no limit to their possibilities.

They can be placed anywhere
They can be comfortable in any position
they can never die
and their sensation will always
live on Forever!

You can interpret then
in so many ways
and always be fulfilled

Touch me
A to Z

Tell me
1 4 3

Touch me

Please?

What is Your Temperment

2005-07-09T16:08:00.000-04:00

Ok so my frat sister sends this to me and tells me that this test told her about her temperment. I took the test and here is what it said, strikingly it is absolutely accurate.

The Counselor Idealists are abstract in thought and speech, cooperative in reaching their goals, and directive and introverted in their interpersonal roles. Counselors focus on human potentials, think in terms of ethical values, and come easily to decisions. The small number of this type (little more than 2 percent) is regrettable, since Counselors have an unusually strong desire to contribute to the welfare of others and genuinely enjoy helping their companions. Although Counsleors tend to be private, sensitive people, and are not generally visible leaders, they nevertheless work quite intensely with those close to them, quietly exerting their influence behind the scenes with their families, friends, and colleagues. This type has great depth of personality; they are themselves complicated, and can understand and deal with complex issues and people.

Counselors can be hard to get to know. They have an unusually rich inner life, but they are reserved and tend not to share their reactions except with those they trust. With their loved ones, certainly, Counselors are not reluctant to express their feelings, their face lighting up with the positive emotions, but darkening like a thunderhead with the negative. Indeed, because of their strong ability to take into themselves the feelings of others, Counselors can be hurt rather easily by those around them, which, perhaps, is one reason why they tend to be private people, mutely withdrawing from human contact. At the same time, friends who have known a Counselor for years may find sides emerging which come as a surprise. Not that they are inconsistent; Counselors value their integrity a great deal, but they have intricately woven, mysterious personalities which sometimes puzzle even them.

Counselors have strong empathic abilities and can become aware of another's emotions or intentions -- good or evil -- even before that person is conscious of them. This "mind-reading" can take the form of feeling the hidden distress or illnesses of others to an extent which is difficult for other types to comprehend. Even Counselors can seldom tell how they came to penetrate others' feelings so keenly. Furthermore, the Counselor is most likely of all the types to demonstrate an ability to understand psychic phenomena and to have visions of human events, past, present, or future. What is known as ESP may well be exceptional intuitive ability-in both its forms, projection and introjection. Such supernormal intuition is found frequently in the Counselor, and can extend to people, things, and often events, taking the form of visions, episodes of foreknowledge, premonitions, auditory and visual images of things to come, as well as uncanny communications with certain individuals at a distance.

How about you find out your temperment?

http://www.advisorteam.com/user/ktsintro1.asp

He's My Brother

2005-07-08T01:27:00.000-04:00

I was having a hard time finding my peace. Lots of things were going on in my life at one time. There is one thing that remains constant in my life, reguardless of how much life throws me in my familial situation, I can always retreat to the memories of the bottom bunk of the beds that my brother and I shared many years ago.

It has been 10 years since I have slept in the same room with my brother. Since we listened to the arguments of our parental figures, and retreated to each other when things weren't going great.

It is funny, I am the oldest of the two, but I find security in my brother. When I see him, I revert to the little Divo, the one that wanted to be with him and we protect each other from the big bad world. I mean he's only five inches taller than me, so that does make the difference. But when I see him I run to him and hug him until he drags me off him. I love that boy.

Where does this all come from? Well, my maternal figure was really working my nerve this week. She usually finds ways to talk to me about my brothers short comings. No, my brother is not completely blameless, but I am usually able to mediate well. Well this week momma threw it on hard, and I wasn't really prepared for it all. Besides the fact that I was having other personal issues. I immediately called my brother or Baby Bother as I called him in my childhood. We talked for a moment, and although we were both in different places, we processed the antics of my family very quickly.

I disconnected with my brother, feeling new. He was the breath of fresh air that I needed. Even though we are miles away and 10 years away from the bunk beds at 550 Rosedale, we were still able to console each other and love each other through it all.

This post is dedicated to my Baby Bother... The Finest Man I Know, and the First Man I ever Loved.

I love you Bother.... You helped me restore my Peace.

Darrole

He Speaks

2005-07-06T21:15:00.000-04:00

If he gently speaks
to me in my quiet time
then certainly he's always speaking
But, am I listening

Have you ever taken the time
to watch the angels
that hover over
the lives of men & women
that GOD has charged them to protect

Is the world listening
to the sound of Gabriels Trumpet?
For its sound is Pianissimo in France,
while it's audience is in New York.

Through all the bustle
and fast pace
the gaudy jazz is being played
and yet quietly the trumpet is sounding

Go 'head to the Nabate's, Oscar's and Wynton's
of the world
Keep playing your Pianissimo
while your audience
calms to hear you
Let all that recognize your music
be called blessed

Let them rise to the occasion
let them sing with the angels
unaccompanied melody
Let them shout with a triumphant voice
Let their spirits leap in anticipation
of a new world, a spiritual utopia.

Where God, the Angels and Man,
are co-existers in the same state.
Where the commerce is always worship
and the common day faire is praise.

Be inspired as you hear
the still voice
in the far off land

Let it move you
Let it swell the breeze of a new freedom
let us finally be united in our quest
for GOD's affirmation.

Let us have our name
written in the "Book of LIFE"
Living Instructions For Eternity.

Let us prepare ourselves
for the never ending feast
Let us prepare for labor of love

Let us be at one
with the crescendo of Life
as the cause becomes greater
and moves from each land

From sea to sea.
When He Speaks, All Rise!

Always Remember Your PRIDE

2005-06-29T02:53:00.000-04:00

Well I have bared my soul. Seems like I had a minor issue. It really wasn't a bad weekend. I can hold up the last post by saying this much at least. My weekend went to hell when my mother told me that she put my brother as her beneficiary for her life insurance. That killed my spirit. So a lot of my weekends anxieties and second guessing came from the insecurities that my mother recreated within me.

However,

Friday

I left Baltimore at 1:00pm en route to NYC. My expected time of arrival was suppose to be 4:30pm. I guess that thought was shot to hell when I was at exit 8 on the NJ Turnpike at 4:15pm.

All the while I am reading the fabulous Alphonso Morgan's, SONS . First, I would like to say, that book was the bleeping bomb. I was so into the characters at the end, that I started yelling and crying. That is a review without a spoiler.

N E WAY. I finally got to NYC, after 2 naps and a tour of the Lincoln Tunnel, at 7:00pm. It was then that the driver of the bus said "if you would like to get to NYC before 4pm it is best you take the 9:00am bus." Yeah, thanks. Next time I am going to take the Metroliner like I usually do.

But I was highly late. I didn't want to miss one of the events that I came for so I headed straight for NYU. I got there at what was roughly 7:30pm. There I heard cutting edge conversation, commentary, and debate over issues of the media portrayal of the African-American LBGT in America. The 2 things that I can remember about that forum was Jason Cooper, and how he talked about the R. Kelly, over exagerated "In the Closet", and Katina Parker, with her playing frisbee in the park with her partner. I then got called out of that forum to tend to a Physics exam.

Bright and Early Saturday Morning....

Or shall I say front and center afternoon...

I got up to my mothers voice beckoning me to talk with her. I always love a good talk with my mom. This time we had a few familial issues to tend to. We had our talk and somewhere in between a conversation about doing right by her, and caring alot about her she dropped a bomb and kept going. I will live to come to terms with what she said. I guess that set the mood for the day so it definately had to change.

So I make my way to Astor Place, and walk until I remember where the Nuyorican Poets Cafe was. Of course I needed my Saturday afternoon walking music courtesy of yours truly(namely I was singing to myself while walking.)

When I got in the door I was very surprised, but pleased, that my name was on the list. I don't often get that treatment. I was greeted by a familiar face when I walked in, Master Frank L. Roberts he greeted me and directed me to sit in ans have fun. I flowed right in and had a great time. I got to see Alphonso Morgan and James Earl Hardy. I was also put on to the likes of Hanifah Walidah, absolute talent for days. I was totally overwhelmed by the talent and artistry of the afternoon.

I was anxious to meet Mr. Morgan since I had just finished his book, and it was hot in my hands. I made my way outside and saw familiar faces. I wont say them all so that they are not incriminated if they didn't want anyone to know that they were there. However, I met them. Bloggers, that is, that I have been associating with for the past couple of months. Kool beans.

After, Frank hosted an impromptu early dinner at a soul food restaurant on 3rd Street. Well if I needed just another reason to slap my momma than that was the reason to do it. Cause the meal was scumptuous and the portions OMG, to die for.

After the episode of Alternitive Soul Food. It was time to part and make our way into different parts of the city. A group of us walked towards the west village. We had a great time with conversations that touched a little bit of every topic, highlight the touching. What was even funnier is that we became loiterers on a street corner, hanging on a light post for about an hour. We suddenly had to retreat, I walked another blogger to his destination and my day was ended in the village.

I was then summoned one again to take my Physics exam (yeah I had like 3 to take all weekend, online.)

I found the internet cafe on 40/duece and got to crackin. I messed up a little but somehow I think I will survive.

After that I went home. I was tired. Damn, I was in NYC and got home b4 midnight.

Next Posts:

Sunday @ Luke & Leroy w/7

The Distinguished Gentleman himself Frank L. Roberts: Renaissance Man.

I will be in St. Louis all week. So if I don't get back here to post b4 Monday. Ya'll have a Safe Independence Day.

I'll be Home.... If only in my Dreams!

2005-06-27T14:29:00.000-04:00

Protocol given I have to give much respect to everything I felt this weekend.
It was a wonderful weekend filled with Soul Food, Good Folks, and fun.

I had some major disappointments. Some were family related, some were just me going plain ole' Divo crazy.

I have a weeks worth of posts coming, so be gentle. Each comment will reflect a different aspect of my weekend.

So I will start with a piece called:

MY PEACE HAS BEEN SHATTERED

The events of my weekend were good. However there was this feeling that I had. The best way to express this feeling is through an old 1961 film I saw this weekend entitled: "Tammy Tell me True".

The main character is a girl reared on a shanty-boat called the L&B. She docks into a town where she might find an education. She wants to learn Public Speaking and Current Events.

She, being raised on the river, was not in sync with the status quo. Matter of fact her speech was that of an old southern or Elizabethan style.

She experianced so much joy among the people that she met. She was responsible for changing the viewpoint of many people in the town. A downside is that she experianced a great deal of ridicule from her classmates for being different and aloof. They didn't open up and recieve her until she came right out and told them about their ways.

"Divo, Tell me True"
I have been out of touch with the SGL life status quo. I apologize for not seeming to fit in as a piece of your puzzle. It was my selfish wish to aquaint myself with folks that could help reignite my soul for a lifestyle that I once lived.

This entry isn't to slander anyone, you should know me better that. However, I learned somewhere that whispers exert an identical property as talking. Which means that they both cause a vibration, sound waves that can be heard through reverbaration. Be careful, when you whisper, it causes the person you are whispering about to hear what you are saying full and clear.

I know remember why I somewhat hid myself away from this lifestyle and it's relations. I am afraid of us and our vices.

I would not commence praise on the weekend until I bared my soul.

Now,

I regain my composure and recollect my peace.

ONE WORD

2005-06-25T21:31:00.000-04:00

Please leave a one word comment that you think best decsribes me.

It can only be one word. No More.

Then copy and paste this to your journal so that I may leave a word about you.

Nocturnal Emissions of "Simply Flawless"

2005-06-22T01:01:00.000-04:00

When you smile
it’s as if God himself has painted a rainbow in the sky.
The fullness of your lips are like ripe fruit
And your tongue moisturizes them like dew.

When you gaze into my eyes
Time is lost to me, or at least I think
Cause you are staring and undressing
And caressing, what a blessing

When you smile
You just don’t know
How my flesh wants to feel
Your subtle vibrations
Or a gentle sensation,
only a kiss will do

When you gaze
I am amazed that you
Don’t go blind as you see
All the things you do to me
Maybe you do, but I am too lost in time.

When I’m with you
I must not make haste
I want to live off of your aftertaste
And then be based by your grace again.

Smile for me
Gaze at me
Be mine eternally.

Paris, January 9, 2003

2005-06-18T18:58:00.000-04:00

You will exist in my sunshine
as Saturday begets the newer Sun.
Our lives together yet begun
for the flowers that bloom
from the very breath of you
oh, how I long to see
the dynamic in you

I shall never quite dream
in such vivid color and
extra post human art
I see all there is to see inside
and have stepped outside to applaud you,
My special honey chocolate mint
dipped in Gods kisses, mon amour

Do I long for you Septembre upon Septembre
or wish you there under my christmas tree
And even thought the world be around me
I dream in black and white seulement of you.

Mon amour, le père of my lifeless solitude
rescue me when I am lonely
fill my heart with joy unwaivered
you be my silent nocturnal emmission of light
down the path that leads to bliss

Show me, comment dire, I love you and miss you
in every language
help me to admire you always as what you are, art.

Envelope me into solitude with you
and touch me on my heart with my own hand
never leave me alone from myself
but rather let me learn of you (of myself)
grow happy with you, comfortable with your scent
in and out of sight.
Be my companion in my private life
you are Saturdays moonlight
where the Aurora Borealis shines

This midnight shall not be my last
Loving you.

"I am the Teacher, You, Are the Student"

2005-06-17T22:05:00.000-04:00

So as I dreamed all night how I would teach, such a beautiful recipe of the sweetest cream of masculinity wrapped up in God's own gift wrap for skin, I was late to my appointment to meet the man that I will call Simply Flawless.

I was asked by Simply Flawless to work with him with his vocal talents.
I mean, I didn't know a lot about him. One day he just walked up to me and asked me to give him lessons. He told me that he wanted to have someone work with him that wasn't going to bail out on him. I quickly told him that as a traveling artist who is focused on school and performances that it would be hard but I would try to make it work.

I didn't really think that he was being quite serious, since in the next second he was trying to get me to join his telephone service business. Suspect? At least I thought so. So I thought nothing of his request, only that it had been asked.

About a week later this 5'9", Honey-brown, full lips, and vision of extreme sensual ooze came to me and asked me with out hesitation: "When are we going to get together?" Ok. So my heart is in my timbs. I mean what straight boy in all of his manhood walks up to another dude that is pressumably gay and say that. But I thought no more about the question as I did the intention of it. He was really into asking me for something that he wanted and I was really trying to figure out how to accomodate him.

Well once again he asked me to give him voice lessons. I told him I didn't think that he was really serious, only because the last time he asked I gave him my number and he never called me. So I am busy thinking he changed his mind. He told me that he didn't call cause he was busy with his business thing but he was thinking of me to help him with his music thing. So I confirmed being able to give him some instruction. He asked me when, I wasn't quite sure. So he really quizzed me about what I did, and where I would be at during the summer. I told him my vast schedule of travels. I told him that I would be free after July 4th and that he could have me any time after that. Did I really just leave myself open for that. He never budged. Well, he persisted that I find a time before the 4th. So I told him I would get to him on Friday. Which leads me to, today.

Aiight, It's 12:15 and I was scheduled to meet with him at the music building at noon. Well I called him, some girl answered, I was over it in a hearbeat. I asked for him, he came on and said he was on his way.

So he gets there and he greets me with this cute hand wave. Which is funny to me, cause if you see a guy who looks like this wave at you as if he was gonna holla at you, you would be scared to. Butterflies. My Stomach. Oh, hell I have a lesson to teach.

Ok. without giving all the details. When teaching, I have to look directly at the student. His smile is heartwarming, and totally hypnotic. So in teaching him breathing excersises, I had to do what? Go and place my hand on his midsection to show him how to focus his breath through his diaphram. So the wonderful midsection( my fettish) was fabulous.

His singing is good. He has some tonality problems that he has to work with. But if he gets the right type of people behind him you may hear him on the radio, or see him on the tube.

I am so glad to be working with him, although I am intimidated by gorgeous men.

But I guess as he continues to flash his radiant smile.

I'm the teacher and he's the student.

Why I Sing

2005-06-16T23:19:00.000-04:00

This thing we have
is like heaven to me
I'm feeling so high like a kite
you really have me on a string

When you whisper sweet hellos
straight from your lips to my heart they go
and then from there I feel like opening up
but all I can think of saying is:

Beautiful creature that God has given to me
you've got to be blind if you don't know
what you really done for me.

But before you close your eyes
and before you go to sleep
Can I kiss you boo on the small of your neck
and caress your back while I sing.

Even as you lay here
in the middle of the night
You are a rainbow of perfection
cause your colors are so bright
So while you are sleeping
if you don't mind
I 'm going to write to you how I feel
and sing you a lullabye.

Baby you don't know
what you've done for me
How the glaze of your eyes
are like heaven to me
Baby you don't know
what you've done for me
You're the reason why I sing.

DivoLusc.

TOAST TO MY OWN REUNION, THE ESSAY

2005-06-13T23:26:00.000-04:00

Here it is the long awaited, so how was it story, of my 10 year class reunion.

Registration at Fiorello H. LaGuardia happend at 3pm on Saturday June 11, 2005.

I got there and I was looking for the sign that said LaG 95', but I didn't see one so I went to one of the tables for another year and asked "Where are the tables for LaG 95'?" I was told that I had to look for the sign that said LaG'95. Now, I knew that I had graduated with a diploma from HS and I wasn't stupid after all I was in my senior year of undergrad, so I know she wasn't telling me something that I could have told myself.

N E Way. I was finally directed to a desk near the security station. What did I see an envelope that said LaG 95' on it with a sign that said the same but it was upside down on the table. Go Figure. Ok, so I tell the nice graduated dance major my name and class. He hands me a welcome packet and proceeds to do something else. So I have no idea what I am suppose to do. Until, I look in the welcome packet and there is an itenerary. It says we are suppose to meet in our respective class rooms. LaG 95' was suppose to meet in room 561N.

Now I was a student long enough to know that if a room has a 61 behind it, it's a studio or a closet. So, I proceed downstairs again to talk to the guy and ask him where my class is suppose to meet. Which is when I seen my first classmate. First of all, ten years is a beautiful thing for attractive high schoolers. He was insanely goregeous, but I just nodded and called his name. He was like "Hey!" I asked the woman at the table if she could tell me where the Class of 95' was to meet. I told her that the room in the brochure was not there. She then told me "Oh you must have got an old version of the itenerary." So she gave me the new room 645W and I went there quickly to see if anyone else had shown up.

When I got there, there were about 6 of my classmates from that year in the room. I knew two of all. But I came in and introduced myself which I really didn't have to do cause I had this big sticker on me that said Kenneth "Latif" Alston "95. So they called me by name when I walked in the room. I brought that people obviously looked different than they did in HS so I pulled out my yearbook for about 30 -45 minutes we were going through the book talking about the pictures that we saw and matching them to the folks in the room .

Every other class had their own refreshments of some sort. We didn't we were too busy stealing from the M&A class of 55'. I mean they gave us nothing. We were feeling like second class citizens. That is when we started to talk about how we were a indignant class and the administration was always on our cases because we were all really rude, crass, insensitive to the rest of the school we just did what we wanted. Hell, what did they expect we were seniors and our class was fabulous in both music, art and the performing arts. So we had a feeling that things were going to be shady all night.

So it's time to eat. We are all walking around like blood thristy hounds looking for the cafeteria that our reception was going to be held in. I mean there were only two, other than the teachers cafeterias that the 50th Class reunions were being held in. So we looked at our itenerary and it said to go to the 7th floor cafeteria. Imagine, 12 alumni walking in sync towards the cafe and the person at the door says "What class? " and when you tell them they say "Your class is suppose to be on the fifth floor." Ok, so I guess it's downstairs we go. We get downstairs and the very same thing occurs we notice that there is no place settings that say LaG 95'. So we are pissed off now. But the classmates that I had with me were very unfamiliar with my low tolerance of BS. So when we got to the 7th floor again the Asian girl came to the door and said what class and I told her. Once again we heard "You are not suppose to be here, you should be on the 5th floor", that is when I said " What I am going to need to to do is find out exactly where our class belongs there is no table marking for us downstairs and none here either, you are going to have to find out for us before we all get pissed off." I have my classmates looking at me now as if I had turned into the class representative. So she walks away.

As she is walking away I see about 8 more classmates from my year. I immediately yell out LaG 95' and we all bumb rush the door start talking to each other. I told them the situation. Then I said " Look them tables don't have any designation, lets go get em' bump protocol" guess what 95' was back in effect. That is how the night started.

Somewhere through the stealing of seats and the frustration of not having our own place we found ourselves like first in line for the buffet style food. Now, may I be the first to say that the food was poor quality. Ok, I was the one to say it. Myself and about every other classmate on the line. We were through. But I found that we were bonding through our disgust.

I thought that some of the African-american students would bail out on me, but to my surprise there were about 5 there already when guess who walks in. Our senior class president and former Miss. Johnson C. Smith University 1999. So I was screaming my head off. This girl told her sister to tell me she wasn't coming. But there she was in the flesh looking fabulous. All of the sistas that came back were doing it something special. The brothers that came back were doing it something good too. We just had it going on. We started to see some of the instructors that we had during that time and taking pictures.

We headed down to the Senior Chorus and Senior Orchestra concert. All of the black students kinda gravitated to one another as we did in the mid-90's. That was when I seen the one of the only Jewish guys in the whole school that made my life happy everyday cracking up all the time, I mean he wasn't the only but the best. Kaback, I can't believe that he came back for reunion and when asked why he had a wonderful and quite sexy tan he said "I just came in on my boat", in the words of Paris Hilton, "That's Hot!"

The Concert was good, although I missed the singing of the school song that is based on Bramhs Concerto in Cmaj. I was off looking for one of my teachers for an umbrella. Did I mention that it was raining as if the devil had gotten married to an archangel and God was mad.

Off to BBQues.

BBQues, is a LaGuardia tradition, stemming back to the first gospel chorus concert that happend in 1984. So it wasn't a big surprise that everyone wanted to go. It was now about 17 of us, black folk from 95' ready to go and eat. Now, I knew that there was gonna be a wait if we came in with like 15-25 people so I did a reservation over the phone for us, 25ppl. When we got there I went to the host stand and told them my name and my friends were like we put in for a table already so I was like OK cancel mine. Well they weren't ready to seat us and that is when Kaback decided to go and buy a round of drinks for the group. Wow, Kaback, there you are getting us drunk like you did back in the day. So we were getting restless and still waiting for some more people. But we opted not to wait for them to get seated immediately.

As soon as we got downstairs we got to the table but there still wasn't enough room. There were some empty tables next to ours and we asked the hostess if we could sit there. She said "No. This is for a party of 25." as soon as I heard this I started laughing and went to the hostess and asked her the name on the party of 25 she said Alston. I was like, I am Alston and this is my party it's a little smaller than 25, but this is what we have. My classmates were looking at me as if I had just delivered them from pharoah in Egypt.

The best time of the whole night was that fact that were down there in the lower part of the restaurant. There was another party there that we quickly found out was LaG's first graduating class, the class of 85'. So all night there was much love being spread around. Most memorable of the whole night was that 85' had challanged 95' by singing a song that the Gospel Choir sang in their year. They were fabulous, especially since they haven't really been singing together for 20 years. Well when time for 95' to represent we didn't have a choir so. The Class President chose me to represent the class. I sang "Give Me A Clean Heart". None of my classmates that were there had heard me sing in 10 years but 2. So they were amazed at how my vocal ability had grown.

One of the 85' ers came to me and said "If you are any indication of what LaG produced after 85' then we definately know that you have upheld the legacy."

It was at that moment that I knew that all of my excitement for being at my 10 year was good. It's good to be apart of a legacy. I pray for the ones that came after us, and the ones after them.

I feel it coming together
People will see me and cry
I'm going to make it to Heaven
Light up the sky like a flame
I'm gonna live forever
Baby Remember my name. Fame

The Winner for "Host With The Most" Goes To!!!!!!!

2005-06-13T22:26:00.000-04:00

Some call him Nathan, Some call him Seven, Some might not have figured out what to call him yet, but if you wanna know who has it, and by the looks of things, ain't gonna lose then you have come to the right place.

Ladies and Gentleman,

When one comes to NYC he need look no further than the future of entertainment himself Got Nathan, "The Host with the Most." I spent two wonderful evenings in this brothers effervescence. Surely I had not met him before our meeting on Friday so I hit him with the most corny pick up line like : "I see you have a seven on your shirt, you must have a thing for the # 7." Well, at least that got me to know who he was.

You can definately find this brother with great energy and an a smile to boot.

He will work a room with pizazz. Make sure you're looking good cause he will make sure that if you are at the function that it will be documented for him, as he carries his trusty digi-cam.

Friday was nothing but a mere movie screening that he invited me too. It wasn't his event so to speak but you couldn't tell me that, cause all the people that were there had some sort of tie to him. Eery, not the least he's just loved that way.

I thank him for introducing me to the gentleman that I will call Gucci. It was Seven that encouraged Gucci and I to go uptown for the Black Mens Exchange (BMX) Discussion.
Hey Nathan if you hadn't sent me uptown I would not have gotten a chance to get information about my first BF. (kisses to you)

STUDIO 7 @ Luke & Leroys.................

When I tell you that Miami may have been hot on Sunday, but Miami didn't have anything on Studio 7 on Sunday.

When I got there I knew I was early. I am not social like that anymore. But, I knew it would be great. I delved right in to order my first drink. You know you are at a great social bar when you see a scortchin hot bartender and you forget your own regular drink.

Ok, So the drink was off the chainz, but I had to get something to eat. You know to keep up the endurance.

So, I arrive back to L&L and to my surprise a full house, damn and it's only like 8:30pm. I see all of NY finest. Now it would mean a lot to me especially since I don't get to see them all the time.

From the time I walked into the door there he was "The Host With The Most" just making his rounds. Dj was blazin hot on the 1's and 2's ( do you still call it that when they dj with cd's. ) Aight bump it.

Then I hear all of this laughter as folks are reading a piece of paper being passed aroung by a dude named Cordell ( ah ha I figured it out after like 2 hours). It was a game that Cordell brang with him called 20 Questions where you had to find 20 different people that fit the description of the questions that were asked. You had to get 20 different signatures. Which would mean, you betta have been social or you weren't getting your paper filled out.

Sample Questions:

7. Who would you like to have a threesome with?
10. Who do you think you are going to have sex with?

My all time favorite:

15. Who do you think would turn you out?

Not to mention the questions like:

16. Who do you think has a big dick?

So the atmosphere was definately off the Hizzy for Sheezy.

Outside HOT!!!! Inside HOTTA!!! so to sum it all up Studio 7 is HOTTATTA!!!

So all of you folks that are traveling to the Mecca of all Prides in NYC. Will definately regret not showing up at 21 7th Ave.

That is all for my field reporting.

Till next time remember,

Life is what you put into it, when we live it to our fullest, our reward is limitless.

I'm out.

I TOAST TO MY OWN REUNION, Prologue

2005-06-07T20:53:00.000-04:00

I sing the body electric
I celebrate the me yet to come
I toast to my own reunion.
When I become one with the Sun. "Fame", The Motion Picture

Well, I am preparing for what, to me at least, is going to be another great experiance to occur before the Summer Solstice.

In the year of our lord, Nineteen Hundred Ninety-Five, life began a new for the gentleman known as DIVO. His experiances have been very vast and he has become quite accomplished in these years. The springboard to the great life that he would live would be the home that he found at Fiorello H. LaGuardia High School, The High School of Music and Art and Performing Arts.

A little history. LaGaurdia HS as it currently stands is the joining of two schools chartered between the late 30's and late 40's. These schools were mostly created out of the love of the arts and the vision to have students excell in that area.

Widely remembered is FAME. Fame is a movie that was based on the real life school of Music and Art.

I was very priviledged to go to one of the most prestigious arts academys in the country of its kind. (Public Arts)

Well, on Saturday and Sunday I will get a chance to revisit my High School Alma Mater. I am excited for many reasons. I want to see who will come. I want to see what some of the folks look like. I wanna know the folks that stayed with their craft. Mostly, I want to see the people that helped to define who I am today.

Nostalgia has started to settle in and I have pulled out my yearbook at least two or three times a night. The population was very mixed and I don't expect to see all of my African American collegues their, although I am scheduled to meet with som of them for dinner and cocktails after the Senior Semi- Annual. Although it may be a bit bitter sweet, because I had the money to pay for all the activities and I damn well should want to go back, but not all of my friends from HS agree with me. I won't let it get me down. I know that a school cannot thrive without the support of its alumni, and I refuse to let a legacy that I was a part of die.

I am truly in utter excitement as I remember the lunch lines, hanging in the hall with the Sweetheart, singing at the drop of a dime, every one always in performance mode, high style fashion, tears of joy at concerts, flirting with the straight boys (that flirted back), fighting the straight boys' girlfriends, the thought of getting 1 dozen roses from a senior my freshman year, me being the director of the gospel chorus for two years (my life dream at the time), the group of students that always had a scripture when I looked at boys, the thought of some of my friends when I annouced that I would have a girlfriend, being able to be Bisexual because it was in.

Whew!!!, I can go on and on. But those are the memories that come back when I think about LaG. It was my strength for the real world.

My Theme song for the week is:

Baby look at me
and tell me what you see
you aint seen the best of me yet
Give me time and I'll make you forget the rest

I got more in me
and you can set it free
I can catch the moon in my hand
Don't you know who I am

Chorus:

Remember my name...
FAME

I'm gonna live forever
I'm gonna learn how to fly, (High)
I feel it coming together
People will see me and cry

Fame
I'm gonna make it to heaven
light up the sky like a flame (Fame)
I'm gonna live forever
Baby remember my name.

Everlasting Love

2005-06-05T01:37:00.000-04:00

Where there is grief, there will be hope
And if ever a hand is in need,know that I'll be holdin' on
Know that the peace that comes from above
is the same everlasting love

Remember me whenever you're all alone
And if it helps you to sleep know that I'll be looking on
Know that the peace that you dream of
is the same everlasting love

I remember a time I couldn't close my eyes
I would lie awake dispairin'don't know how many nights
Afraid of death that my chest would give way to the fear
Pulled the covers over my head and I cupped my ears

In attempt to escape the deafening sounds of silence
In attempt to escape these constant visions of violence
and with death as close as it could possibly get
heard a voice in the distance sayin' Kenny not yet

I came prepared, to lift my voice, to sing and shout, to cry, to moan, to uplift the name of God.
I was not ashamed. I will never be ashamed I have been through too much to not praise. I have so much to recall that the only that I can do is submit.

Saturday, June 4, 2005 was the continued blessing that I had been praying for. CeCe Winans. Just the thought of saying the name of a woman that has so willingly allowed her audiences to be ushered into the "Throne Room" of God.

My life has been made brand new. I am a creature that is chosen by God to do a work. I am continuously reminded of my assignment. Even when I don't know that I am on my task I am constantly reminded.

As I attended, what I knew wouldn't be a concert, I let all my cares go and allowed myself to focus on all that God has and is continuing to do in my life. As CeCe continued to breath words of comfort and grace on the audience, all I could feel was the ever increasing embrace of the Holy Spirit. I was washed completely in the love that I sing about. For once, I wasn't singing, I was being ministered to, in song.

I will not hold back here. This is a "Chronicle" of my lifes events. I can make no excuses. All that I can say is that I am blessed. Better than I need to be. Better than I deserve.

I have been a recipient of Gods "Everlasting Love"

The Circle of Life

2005-06-03T03:23:00.000-04:00

From the day we arrive on the planet
And blinking, step into the sun
There's more to see than can ever be seen
More to do than can ever be done

There is far too much to take in here
More to find than can ever be found
But the sun rolling highThrough the sapphire sky
Keeps great and small on the endless round

It's the circle of life
And it moves us all
Through despair and hope
Through faith and love
Till we find our place
On the path unwinding
In the circle
The circle of life

It's 7:52pm and the curtain is set to rise in eight minutes. Knowing the theater they usually make their final announcement at about 8:05pm. I am very gitty. I have waited for this moment for a very long time.

See last year about this time I did some promotional singing for the production of The Lion King. We were promised tickets to the Baltimore show and somehow never heard anything else about it. Well, on Tuesday after my long nap after my Monday slumber from my long weekend in the Big Apple, I got a call saying "Kenny, do you want to go and see the Lion King on Thursday?". I suddenly erected my body from the sacred slumber that I was in and said "Sure !"

I was not prepared fully for the experiance that I had this evening. The scenery, lighting, costumes, choreography, precision, story line, special effects, all had me spellbound.

I have seen a couple of Broadway favorites, but this will go down in history for me for days and years to come.

The more I thought about the lyrics to Circle of Life, is the more I became enchanted with how it has so much to do with my personal life story.

So finally here it goes so bear with me.

I equate the beginning of the song to the beginning of my matriculation at Morgan. There was so much to see and so much to do, and I wanted to do it all and for the most part I did.

I mean I got there and I was away from parents, old friends, inhabitions. It was time to have fun.

Long story short, all my fun led to what should have been disaster.

I found out my Sophomore year that I was HIV+. Some of you may say "Darn, that must have been hard." Well, yeah in a simple form but there is more that makes this story glorious.

The song goes on to say:

There is far too much to take in here
More to find than can ever be found
But the sun rolling high
Through the sapphire sky
Keeps great and small on the endless round

Well I had to find myself, through a couple of years. I thought all was good. Bam, in the middle of my last 3 semesters, I found out that I had PCP Pnuemonia and Regular Pnuemonia. I should have been taken out but I wasn't. The thought of being disassembled for 6 months was frightening. I wasn't even able to lift my voice in song for about 3 months. I was devistated.

However, I found some peace in knowing that it all happend for a reason. I mean, I had never had the experiance of being in the hospital, ever. I had always had good things going for me with a reasonable struggle. But now, I would have to rely on others strength to rehabilitate me.

The fact that I am in school pursuing my degree is a miracle. A fluke accident. I didn't have the money. Aid wasn't rolling in. All of my scholarships had dried up and it didn't seem as if I would make it.

Somewhere along this 6 - 12 month rehabilitation, I was liberated. I was able to secure housing, get disability, have a part time job, pay off my defaulted loans (into repayment), re-secure my scholarship, recieve in-state status for tuition purposes, recieve a hefty refund for my semester, recieve a 3.5 semester average the first semester, finish 2.9 semester average the second and now I am tackling Physics with 12 credit hours to go.

It is truly the Circle of Life. I was led today to embrace the movement of that circle on my life. I usually try to illuminate that to the others that I am in contact with. Am I finish with struggle? Probably not. Will I have my days? Well, of course. But the Circle is what keeps me grounded.

Side bar to Trent * Now I am being Deep*

I don't expect pity. I have learned to live up to my mistakes. I have learned from them and made them my footstool.

One other group of lyrics that has me in tears right now: From The Lion King.

Shadowland

Chorus:
And where the journey may lead you
Let this prayer be your guide
Though it may take you so far away
Always remember your pride

As always in Parting,

I came in Peace and I leave you in Solemnity.

Why Angel Boy Divo

2005-06-01T23:36:00.000-04:00

This is the story of how a mild mannered guy gets the name AngelBoyDivo.

When I was dating a girl in H.S. she always referred to me as Angelboy. Pretty much because she said that my singing and personality were very angelic to her. So I only reserved that for her use until other people started to catch on during the early years of my undergrad.

During my first 3 Sophomore years, (that is approximatley how long I was a sophomore) I met a Professor that was so amazed by my talent that she knew that she couldn't call me DIVA because of it's female connotation so she made up ( in her mind at least) DIVO.

When I was contemplating writing my own books of poetry I decided that I wanted to name it something snazzy, so I decided that I would name it The Diary of an Angel Boy Divo...

If you call me on my phone the # is 410 - - - DIVO. (You didn't really think I would leave the # did you. WHEW !!!

But if you are ever privileged to get the number and call and you don't reach me you will reach my service that will tell you that you have reached the Home of Angel Boy Divo Entertainment. Which is my way of keeping people abreast that I do run a business of music promotions.

Well that is the story it wasn't much but at least everyone knows where the name comes from.

The City That Would Best Suit Me

2005-05-31T20:17:00.000-04:00

American Cities That Best Fit You:

60% Atlanta

60% San Diego

55% Boston

55% Honolulu

50% Miami

Which American Cities Best Fit You?

There's No Place Like Home

2005-05-31T12:30:00.000-04:00

So, I clicked my heels three times and believed that I was there and within three hours of serenity from Baltimore to Newark, next stop New York Penn Station.

I called my mother at about 1:30am to let her know that I was on my way home when she said "Darrole, take a cab home. " Now I am not fond of taking cabs from one borough to the next but I thought it would be safer than traveling the train with bags. I kept looking at the meter $31.40, damn that was a martini. So I krept up the walkway to the building and called my mom on the phone. Within minutes I was in the Parkchester Apt. that I have come to know as home.

I was so eager to be in the city, and I would cherish every moment but I had to go to sleep.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Friday Morning:

I am making my way down to Fiorello H. LaGuardia H.S. to pay my Alumni Dues for my Reunion on June 11 -12 , 2005. I was so nostalgic as I rode the same train as I did when I was in High School. I felt gitty all of a sudden as if I was living a fantasy. I got off the train at 125th and Lexington. There who did I see? One of my classmates from elementary school. Damn, he was really tall and rugged looking, but he had always been that way. Actually, this man was partially responsible for my looking to men for consolation in the first. But I was glad to see him but I couldn't speak for a minute. I just couldn't believe that I was seeing someone that I haven't seen in 17 years. I mean it was funny. I finally spoke as we were getting off the train. He remembered me we talked for a minute and on to LaG it was.

LaG, the school that had given me a lot of my independence. Here I was to greet it once again. I felt all types of things as I walked in. I went to the Alumni office and paid my dues. Then I walked out looking for one of my teachers. I finally found him, so I sat in he classroom right next to him unknown to him. When he seen me he was plesantly pleased. I told him I was going to be in NYC for the weekend and where I was going to be singing on Sunday. I immediately made my way to Tavern on the Green for a 1:30pm lunch.

The last time that I attended Tavern on the Green I was a freshman in College coming back to sing for an affair for the Arthur Ashe Foundation. But here I found myself among my friends from Memphis, TN, and we were about to partake in a great dining experiance. I started off with a Ceasar salad, with Salmon Steak for an Entree and Chocolate Cake for dessert. I had been taking back by the taste of the Salmon. I was thoroughly blown away. It was a meal fit for a king and I was the recipient. Lunch lasted almost all afternoon until about 4. We retreated to the Westin Hotel in Times Square to see what else to do.

The TN folks needed to get some final trimmings for their tuxedos for Sunday so I took them to the fashion district and had them go to stores. Which, by the way, was the rest of my afternoon since I had to take them to every store that exisist.

I went to the Opera at my High School made me feel like I was a supportive alumni. The opera was great. It was something that was done while I was in school but I never attended because that was not something that I was into while I was in school. Well, the alumni director saw me and she started introducing me to faculty as the "95 graduate who never did a classical thing in school, who was now a classical countertenor." I was highly pissed. Even though I could see her point. There were reasons why I didn't do classical things. We were all taught the classical medium. I was top in my class for it. I was even invited into the class where the classical soloists were picked from. When I got in the class the teacher.Mrs. Ext, told the class that if we were in Gospel Chorus that we couldn't be in her class. I had a problem I was the director of that ensemble so I had to be in GC. Well, I had to leave solo voice and never had the chance to do it again because of my choice.

After the opera I went back to the Westin to look for my TN friends. I couldn't find the one that I was looking for so I made my way back to the Bronx.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday:

Very easy. I went to Westin at about 4 and I seen a fraternity brother walking down the escalator. I never expected to meet a Sinfonian in midtown but I did.

I then waited for my brother to come from Brooklyn so that I could go to the movies. During my wait I found my TN friend and we went to the Villiage for Lunch. I was on my way to Tiffany's. When I seen cloudy windows and a sign that read "Space for Rent" I was blown away. Tiffany's had been the place that I came to love in NYC. Especially for my long Village nights. I digress. We walked to another place and got some food. I wasn't half as good but I guess it would have to do.

Waited for my brother to get to the city. I was taking one of my young TN ladies out. You know 18yo want everything... We went to the Hershey Store in Times Square. It started raining and so after we made our purchases to the hotel we ran. With my great mane of hair getting drenched.

My brother arrived and we made our way to the movie theater that I had no Idea was connected to the Hotel. We went to see Unleashed. Man that was a powerful movie with a powerful message. After we went to a quaint bar on 7th ave for some drinks. After four Cranberry and Grey Goose. I was on my way to Christopher street for some more nostalgia.

I was amazed to see how the young kids had taken over the Village. I guess they did like we used to do when I was younger. Try to hang out with the older crowd. I was tired but I was hanging with my brother it was 2am and time to go home. So I walked through NYU and made my way to Astor place took the train and home I went.

Rejoice....and Again I say Rejoice

2005-05-25T20:06:00.000-04:00

I didn't really have a lot of faith in myself and my Biology class this year. I mean I out right just didn't get to class on time. For you bloggers that understand 8am class, well that is the thought. I just really didn't want to be in the class at that time in the morning.

Ok. So I took all of her tests in the beginning of the semester and I got like 55's but she also gave extra credit, so it made those grades a 75 and 65. I was good at midterm I had a "C ." All was good, and I vowed that I would do better about attending the class at 8am. Look at your neighbor and ask "did he do better at making it to an 8am class." Well I can save you the trouble of asking, I just didn't. I mean during the second half of the semester I had made 2 trips one to Houston, TX and another to Richmond, VA. I was tired for two weeks straight.

So the third test comes up in the class and I miss it completely. I mean I didn't study for it so I missed it. So I asked her if I could make it up. She said I could. But I had to take an oral test at the end of the semester. You'd think that I had learned my lesson. Hell No. I even was late to test #4 and I didn't bring the proper extra credit with me so I knew that I was Fucked. (Ok please bloggers.com don't take my page away for one profane word)

Aiight so all in all I took both tests as a make up. It was the hardest freaking test that I had ever taken that I had not studied for. After I turned in my paper she told me that my final was on Wed. I came in on Wed. bright and early and she said " you know your final is not today right. You can take it now but it's on Friday at 12noon." I wanted to strangle her for telling me that after I had taken NoDoze to stay up long enough to go to class at 7:45am.

Ok, so I had three extra days to study. Do you think that is what I did? Hell No. Cause I decided that I was going to fail BIOLOGY 101 and that I was going to ace my French 102 final.
Aight, so here it is BIO final 12noon. Duration one hour, approximately 99 questions.

I was done. I didn't feel to hurt. But I damn sure knew I wasn't going to pass BIO. And if I did it would be with a graceful "D."

Aiight here is the Climax. Yesterday, Tuesday May 24, 2005 I looked at my grades and when I looked at the Bio Grade I was looking for a "F" or a "D" so where in the hell did the "C" come from. I immediately went dancing around the computer lab.

All I asked God was that he enabled me to pass my classes so that I could Graduate in MAY of 2006.

Blessing Granted.

So I am Rejoicing in the lord ALWAYS, and again I say REJOICE!!!!

Tranquility @ 2:30am

2005-05-23T02:16:00.000-04:00

Hey Yall,
I know I haven't been light hearted. I started off pretty p'd off with ole boy. Things are going well considering that I just lost the only hope of a relationship for the rest of my life.

On a lighter note.
I am talking to my son Rolex. He is one of the sons from the line that I had the privilege to be Dean for in Spring 2004 " The Comedic Odyssey of Orpheus". I love those boys with all of my heart. The love I have for my frat is real ya'll. After pledging for 9 weeks and serving in several leadership capacities, I have nothing but honor and admonishment for the whole.

Big Shout out to my boy Lil_t, that is the Ace of the "COoO", he went home to Philly. He really wanted to stay here but he couldn't. I feel bad Lil_t, I was trying to get you something, but I guess I failed. I wont do it again.

OK . So I have figured out that this blogging thing is no joke. I havn't had much to do since my last final, so I started the page to begin a journey from the Beginning of my last 18 credits to the End of my Last 6.

So I am starting to realize that this last year is going to be one of major lifts and dips. I don't wanna make it seem like I am unintelligent, but I started my journey to college degree in August of 1995. When I started Clinton was a President in his 1st term.

This is not a guilt trip. I repeat not a guilt trip.

I just want to say to anyone out there that reads this, " you will come to appreciate the goal when the struggle becomes a goal to live without." I haven't processed that yet, but I know that it will hold validity when I look at it later.

I have found out that the thing that has been holding me together for this ten years has been my faith. Without it, I would have fled from the scene when I had the chance. The tension has been high for years but as I stay pressed, I realize that my pain is allowing birth to my promise.

I would like to share with you a little something I learned about faith...

www.theblvd.org/files/theupdate.html

On the link above are two clips. One is from a sermon entitled "Great is thy Faithfulness" and the other is the song "Great is thy Faithfulness." The song is being sung by yours truly The DIVO. It has blessed my life for the past 10 years and I would love if you would share in my joy.

There is a back story to the faithfulness that I have recieved.

It's morning right now, and even this minute I feel blessed. I guess this is why I started this log to begin with. The emotion will flow, but the sentiments will be real. No, sugar coating. The DIVO beleives in Truth in Life and in Art.

Be Blessed ,

I came in Peace and in Peace I leave.

Chapter 1, Page 4

2005-05-20T17:52:00.000-04:00

He calls me a couple of days ago. His Message read like this.

Divo, answer the phone, I really need you to pick up the phone, DON'T CHALLANGE ME, pick up the phone. When you get this message call me back. Better yet, as soon as you get this message you are going to call me back.

I am not very good at taking threats due to former relationships. So I never ever need a man to tell me what I aught to do when he selectively didn't call me for two months. Now, I am suppose to jump when he says jump. Hell no, the DIVO is too damn dignified for that.
I immediately started playing the message to my frat bro's knowing that they would like what they heard. The general consensus was that he needed his arse whipped. I surely left him a message about an hour later. After listening to the greeting on his answering service that said "If you would be so KIND to leave your name.... (you get the point), I left a message saying,

Greetings and Good Evening, I will not be kind about anything, I don't know who CHALLENGED you but it surely wasn't me. So when you have changed your tone and come down to the earthly atmosphere don't hesitate to call. By the way I don't do threats. So you just call me when your schedule allows. We'll see what happens from there. CLICK!!!

Ok. So maybe I was a little to harsh. But who cares that n**a has been testing my nerve for some days and that really made me hit my boiling point. My frat bro's were very supportive. I don't always talk to them about my personal social life. It doesn't need to exist in my relationship with them. Yea, they know I am gay. I am the only real openly gay bruh in my chapter. But all in all they were ready to go to war for my cause. That is what brotherhood is all about.

He just called me on Wed. I was definately waiting on his call. When I answered the phone. I was very calm, cool and collected.

Hello.
So wassup, you done with your attitude.
I guess that is all up to whether or not you have come back to reality.
Well you are the one that was challenging me. I have been trying to talk to you for the past couple of weeks and you have been brushing me off.
I told you that I was not always going to answer the phone I reserve that right. I mean I even called you and left you messages and you didn't return those expeditiously so what did you want me to do jump at your beck and call. You need to wake up and face reality.
So that is how it's gonna be. You wanna take it there, huh. Well, I see you like to play games.
Nah, the games are being played by you. FYI, I gave your number to my LB(line brother) that is a officer and he knows where you live so it's on record that you threatened me. Anymore where that came from and it's over.
*Tune Change* So why you have to go and do that? You think I would actually hurt you? That was not my intention. You shouldn't think that way of me. I just wanted to get your attention and let you know that I still cared for you.

So I will spare the full conversation but you generally understand that things weren't peachy. I was very distinct in what I was saying and he thought that I was putting on for my bruhs. I basically told him that he knew from the beginning that I was a strong personality. I say the truth. That was what he liked about me, but obviously not now.

He finally said "so you really want to end this". I replied "I have been trying to express that sentiment from day one when I called you after all those months. You finally got it."

He basically was like where do we go from here. I said "I don't mind you being a friend down the line but right now I need to regroup"

End of Chapter 1

Chapter 1, Page 3

2005-05-19T17:27:00.000-04:00

Ok. So I finally gave up on him calling until one day out of the blue I was working on another show I was producing and it was crunch time , an hour til the show, phone rings....

Hello?, Wassup?, How you been doing?
You Ok? Is everything fine with you? Can I see you?

Sure you can see me I have a show starting in about an hour if you come by the stage and tell them you are looking for me. They will let you back and I will talk to you after the show....

Aiight, so I am going to come. I will be there in like 2 hours.

Showtime: Ladies and Gentleman, Please welcome.......Thank you for coming good night.
No Him. Was I surprised? If you know me Hell No! If you just getting to know me the answer is still Hell No!

So another couple of weeks pass and I was a little concerned that maybe he lost his job or got evicted from his house cause his phone had been disconnected. So I make a ring to the posh job he has for the city.

Hello, Hey Boo Wassup? You know I have been missing you?
Really? How So?
I have been meaning to call you everyday, I just didn't know how to approach you.
I have been going through a lot of changes in my life and I didn't want to involve you in them. I hope you understand. But listen, I have to get back to work so I'll call you later.

Later....
Hey, I am really glad that you called me today, it showed me how much you cared. I just hope that I can make it up to you.
Well I just wanted to know if you were alive or dead. Whether you were homeless or jobless I just needed a goddamn reason for you not to call for two f*&king months. Now that I have called you, you are all non-chalant about being out of my life for so long. I have went through many changes without you.
Well, I didn't mean to make you mad and I deserve the bad attitude you have and I wish I could tell you all what went down but I can't.
So you don't trust someone that you want to be exclusive with, with your life alterating issues. Come on, I don't buy that. You are feeding me BS and you know I have dealt with it before and I wont, I repeat WON'T deal with it again.
Please watch out what you say to me. I can take your antic up until a breaking point and then I am going to be upset. (With a tone, like I ain't suppose to be mad.)
Ok, well since I might say something that might get you to your breaking point you can call me back later cause right now I am pissed. Please remember that I reserve the right not to answer the phone when you call.

About 4 Days.

Hello, Have you calmed down? Cause I aint bout to have you talk to me any ole kind of way.
Now let's just get together and try to work out our issues.
I will be more than happy to talk to you about your where abouts and your events of those two months that seem to have escaped your mind.
I was going through a lot of personal issues with lawyers and stuff. I had to be displaced for a minute. I had to move in with my mother I am so used to being the strong person in the relationship I couldn't provide for you what you needed at the time. I couldn't burden you with my issues.
I will say to that, that you know what I have been through in the last couple of years with heatlth failing issues, evictions and living place to place with no stability. I am more than capable of understanding, hell, I might even be able to coach you through some of it as a mate. But you didn't give me the chance to show you how much I believed in us. You simply told me in all but so many words that I was not worthy enough to see you in your downtime.
That hurts. I don't know how I can be with someone that doesn't value the power of relationship and the strength that comes from it.
I didn't know that you felt that way for me. I guess I am in the wrong. I guess one day I will be able to feel like I can fully tell you everything that went on. But right now I am just trying to get through it myself. But, I have to make a run, so will you please answer when I call this time.
My stance is still the same. I reserve the right to answer the phone when I want. I called you remember after 2 months of you not calling me. You owe that to me.

The Saga Continues....

Chapter 1, Page 2

2005-05-19T13:48:00.000-04:00

Ok. So I can finally tell a story that I have been thinking about telling for a long time.
Imagine, if you will, recieving a phone call in early November and the caller says:

Hello, Can I speak to Divo.
This is Divo speaking.
Wassup Man, I haven't talked to you in a long time. I found your number and thought that I would call you.
Kool.
Well.....

Ok So the gist is that he called and came outta nowhere and I thought WOW! this may be good for me.
So, I vaugely recalled that his birthday was coming up and gently left a message for him and singing him a birthday serenade.
He calls me back and says he wants to meet. I, I agree.

Later that night while I am at a fraternity event he calls me to tell me his is on his way. I tell him that I might be a little inaccessible cause I was the emcee for the program. He was still excited about coming, so he made his way.

When he got there I felt like new Wrigleys' Gum being pulled out of a wrapper. Just spanking new and sweet. After the program we took a brief 3am retreat to the docks that overlook Baltimore. It was there that he asked me, Where do you see yourself in a year? I replied, I would love to be finished school and on my way to graduate school. I also added that I might want to find someone that will love me for me and all of my flaws and someone that I could grow with and that would not hinder my progress. He then exclaimed to me that he was interested in being that someone but would like to take it one week at a time. It was there that we started our courtship.

My past relationship with this man ended very mysteriously. I could not at the time recall why he and I were not in the relationship that we started. I wasn't going to take the chance to find out, I was going to go with the flow for once. GUARD UP.

It was getting close to Thanksgiving and I was on my way back to the Big Apple for a slice of pie. The damn bus terminal here is to far away from anyones house, let alone mine, so I asked him to come pick me up from the terminal at 12:30am. He told me that he would be there. In the past I would not rely on a man to come get me from anywhere, I'd rather get there on my own, you know feel like I didn't need them as much. It was 1am and to the worse of my feelings he wasn't there. Then emerged from the darkness of the street a car that I thought looked vaugely familiar. It was him a little later than I had told him but he was there. Whew, close call almost strike 1.

December came and there were many different concerts that I had to attend being that I am a singer and all. So I was to sing with this HS choir that my frat brother conducts. I had to be there at 7pm so I called up ole boy and asked him to pick me up at 6:15pm you know I was only remembering that he has a tendency to be late.

It was 6:45pm and there was no him. I rapidly called some of my LB's (line brothers) and told them to come get me. I actually seen his car as we were driving down the street but he was late and I had somewhere to be. STRIKE 1.

After a great debate on whether I should have stayed and been late or leave him upset, we agreed that he could not be late when I had something important to do because my livelyhood depended on my promptness. Everything from there on was cool. Christmas came and I was out of school for a week or two and we were acting like two newly weds on a honeymoon. New Years I had to leave him for the weekend. I wasn't able to kiss him when the clock struck twelve but we felt each other from where we were.

On my return back from Memphis for New Years, I asked him to pick me up from the Airport. Now, in the back of my mind I was too afraid as to whether I would be left there alone and wondering how to get back. Well to my surprise he was there on time and had a kiss waiting for me when I got there. That night we went to a party being held by my church choir director. That was our first public gathering alone as a couple and it felt good. After we ditched the party with carry out drinks in hand we made our way over to Mount Vernon Stable. Dinner was great and I was starting to think maybe everything would be good in a year.

After that weekend my schedule was once again filled with school and then I was given the oppourtunity to play a role in "Aint' Misbehavin - The Fats Waller Musical Show." It was being sponsored by my fraternity chapter but I was actually asked to be in it by the production company that was putting the show together. So I had a lot on my plate, but through it all me and him talked every night about nothing and somethings and more nothings. He knew that I was tired and weary every night but I stayed up talking to him doing the relationship thing. I even let him come late at night to take me on midnite rendezvous.

Winter semester would soon be ending ALL A's. The show was two weeks from opening and I was selling tickets. I asked him how many he wanted. He really didn't know how many he wanted he just knew that he wanted to come and support "his baby." Well, about the night before the 1st show I told him you are really going to need a ticket, which show are you coming to. He answered that he wanted to come to the second show cause we would have warmed up to the stage. I guess he thought he knew.

Lights up second show, fabulous crowd and just before intermission NO HIM. Lights up second show second act, fabulous crowd and during bows, NO HIM. I was somewhat furious because I knew that he really wanted to be there and there was just something wrong. But, I had to keep my face on and love the waiting public. As the waiting public was gathering around me, down the hall he came with a friend. I guess I wouldn't have minded the friend if he were more open and looking half way apologetic. I looked at ole boy and asked him where he was and he looked at me and said "I wont tell you here, I can't tell you now." My director was calling for a wrap-up and I had to return the costumes back to the trunks and I had to leave ole boy. I told him that I would be back. When I returned there was no him. My friends said that he had returned to the hospital with his cousin. That was all I knew for that night. In Fact, that is all I was ever told.

Next day, day before Valentine's day the highlight of a couples year. I was still very upset about his not attending my show but I figured "hey accidents do happen." I was very swift to a reconciliation so I decided to go to OLIVE GARDEN for a Sunday dinner. It was there that we had conversation about his job and the things he wanted out of life. I taking cue from his job description took a point to tell him about a situation that I was dealing with. A former fling that was trying to nail me for his health status. I knew it wasn't me but I wanted ole boy to be in the know. He instantly got upset about me being with someone before him. Thinking that I was lying about my celebicy of 1 year. Dinner was over and we seemed to be fine. I payed the $60.00 bill and we went home. We agreed that for the next day(Valentine's Day) we would meet at 6pm to do dinner and go out.

Valentine's Day, I was all around town trying to make it a perfect day by purchasing little trinkets and lil' gifts. You know wanna keep ole boy on notice. Well, after my last Monday class. I grabbed all the stuff I purchased for him and took it home. I had and hour to get ready. While walking home I got a call, it was ole boy calling to say that he would be late by an hour. I was like ok. I went home taking my time to get ready pulling out the fine duds and getting in a hot shower and using the last of my MAMBO cologne. I was fully dressed it had been two hours and I was ready for him to get there. He calls, "I will be there at 9pm." Ok. So now I have to figure out what to do with my nerves for the next hour. I didn't want to eat cause we were going to a fine Italian restaurant just a step higher than OLIVE GARDEN. It was 9:45 there was no him. I had nothing to eat that night. I just waited for him to call. Stupid me. STRIKE 2.

He called me three, count them 1- 2 -3 days later. As if nothing had occured. He told me that he had to put some more work in at that job. I was fully upset and he wasn't listening to my reasoning or listening to my out pour of built up emotion. He just told me he would call me as soon as he could. I waited. Three, yeah go on and count them 1 - 2 - 3 more days later he called me and told me that he had to see me. I looked forward to it cause I was ready to be heard. I sat in his car and the first thing that he said to me was, "I am so happy to see you. I am glad that you understand my job and what I do." I quickly retorted, "I don't know where you get off not calling me for intervals of three days but that is not job related." Obviously he was not happy with that tone so he just said "Come on, give me a kiss and a hug that is no way to talk to someone that you haven't seen in a couple of days." We continued talking and I was telling him that I didn't think that he respected my feelings, and that I could not trust him. He came back at me telling me that he felt the same way since I told him about the dude that was trying to implicate me in his health scandal. So, I guess it was a really weird time in the car. I was determined to talk to him till he said that he had to go to get his aunt from work. (This was something that he often did late at night, that he would always get off the phone with me for. He was usually suppose to call me back after he took her home but it very rarely happend.) "I am going with you, I wanna meet this aunt." He let me ride along with him. All I know is that I waited in front of the damn building for about 2 hours with him running in and out. Finally, when I got home I felt like I knew why there was a problem, but I still had my suspicions.

We hadn't talked for 2 months after that situation. I guess we could have a couple of times. But all I knew was that he was having issues at home. I talked to him one morning and didn't talk to him again for two months.

This is the back story. The Current Events are to come.

Chapter 1

2005-05-18T13:28:00.000-04:00

He's Outta My Life!!!

I can tell you right now that even if he calls and tells me that he is leaving his job turning over a new leaf and seriously ready to treat me like the man I am, He is Gone ... The Back Story will come later but right now... He's Outta My Life.

Chapter 1

2005-05-18T10:00:00.000-04:00

I need all the words to MJ's He's outta my life. Cause that is what I am feeling. There is a back story and I will get to it soon but just be aware that from now on it will be hell for anyone that tries to entangle the DIVO...